Loving an addict often sounds like this:

“If you truly loved me, you’d quit!”

“If you don’t stop, I’m done.”

“When you use — after promising me you wouldn’t — and I find out, it’s like you’ve cheated on me.”

 

Looking deeper, loving an addict feels like:

“I’m alone in this relationship. I don’t know whether you will be there for me.”

“I want to support your recovery, but I’m not sure how.”

“It’s hard to trust you because, when you relapse, you’ve hidden it from me.”

“The addiction comes between us. I want to feel close to you again.”

What we know from working with couples and from the research is that when one or both partners struggles with addiction or substance abuse, a “wall” is created between them that can lead to great damage to the loving bond and connection.

So, it’s not unusual for the couple to find themselves in crisis.

However, there’s also hope. First, we’ll explore how loving an addict impacts both partners in the marriage or relationship. Then, we’ll help you understand the role of treatment for substance abuse and how partners can support recovery.

Addiction Leads to a “Negative Cycle” for Couples

We define arguing and distancing between couples as a “negative cycle.” Repeated arguments lead to heightened emotions — including anger, frustration, withdrawal — but rarely to resolution. Unfortunately, couples come to see each other as the enemy — rather than this negative cycle. It’s the cycle of hurtful arguing and the growing distance between you that is your true enemy.

When we fall in love, we establish a powerful bond with our partner. We are drawn to our partner as a source of our well-being and security. When a partner is using a substance, they are not “themselves” as we have come to love them. He or she can feel distant, unpredictable perhaps and less available emotionally. That all-important bond feels less and less secure.

It’s that fraying of the bond that can contribute to the developing negative cycle.

And, the negative cycle has consequences.

For the partner with the addiction or substance abuse, the stress of the now-difficult relationship can contribute to an increase in turning to the substance for relief, for soothing the emotional turmoil. It’s often become nearly impossible to calmly discuss true concerns with his or her partner because the negative cycle has taken over.

The other partner feels an emotional distance, making it challenging to offer support. If his or her partner’s behavior changes when they are using, the non-using partner is intensely impacted. Trust begins to erode, as often the addict hides his or her usage from the partner because of the likely onslaught of the negative cycle.

Feeling hopeless and useless to help the partner, the non-using partner feels lost on how to offer help.

The negative cycle erodes the ability of the couple to address the issue. Yet, hope lies in the couple being able to unite over this enemy that is slowly destroying their relationship or marriage.

Understanding Addiction: Some Basic Science

Addiction (and alcohol abuse) have been defined as a “state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming.” The addicting substance (illegal or prescription drugs, alcohol, food) or compulsive activity (video games, technology) find a pathway to the reward system in our brain. The reward can be pleasure and a relief from stress. (Side note on Sex and Porn Addiction: A Peaceful Life Counseling subscribes to the viewpoint held by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists that does not support classifying sexually compulsive behavior as an addiction. Read their position on Sex Addiction here.)

What may begin as a voluntary habit, such as social drinking, can evolve into compulsive seeking and use. And, then abuse. Our brain keeps asking for more — and has its own type of rebellion in the form of cravings and obsessive thoughts — when we try to discontinue the substance.

Unfortunately, substance abuse and addiction are accompanied by a social stigma that causes many people to hide or deny their disease and not seek treatment.

The good news is that addiction science continues to advance. There are medical doctors, known as addictionologists, who specialize in treating addictions and can prescribe helpful medications. An array of inpatient and outpatient treatment programs, as well as recovery groups — are available.

It’s important to know, however, that suddenly stopping certain drugs (including abusive use of some prescription drugs) and alcohol can be life-threatening and should be done in a detox facility or under a physician’s care.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Unites You Both Against Your Relationship’s Enemy

In Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, we identify the negative cycle as the enemy — not either of you. Couples can learn to stand together to defeat the negative cycle.

So, too, can couples learn to stand together against the enemy of addiction. Understanding that addiction is a disease of the brain helps rename the stigma and view addiction as the medical problem that it is. Treatment has both physical and behavioral approaches.

One of the strengths of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is that it is a very in-depth, yet gentle approach to helping each partner really see and understand what is happening in the other partner’s experience. Not all couples with substance abuse issues are ready for couples work, but couples work can help you to communicate with your partner who is struggling with substance use so they can better hear your longing for a healed connection in a different way. We can help you move away from battling your partner or giving in, and help both of you carve a pathway to greater understanding and forward movement. Your partner needs to be able to see the impact of their addiction on the relationship without getting stuck in feeling criticized, shamed, or controlled. EFT Therapists can help facilitate those needed conversations so that you move from battling each other to battling the addiction together.

If treatment specific to substance abuse is needed, your therapist will discuss what this means and whether your unique situation lends itself toward being able to do couples work and substance abuse work simultaneously, or whether your partner needs to make some progress on the addiction first in order for the therapy to be effective. While no blog post can accurately predict your needs, we can say that we work to help you craft a treatment approach that feels right. Working closely with a person’s individual substance abuse counselor to ensure that both treatments have the best chance of success is one example of how having a couples’ therapist during this process can be valuable. Loving and addict doesn’t have to be a hopeless situation.

 

Loving an Addict: How Can I Help?

The person loving an addict is often mystified as to how to help. Indeed, there already has probably been quite a bit of arguing between you as well as repeatedly asking the addict to get help. What’s difficult for partners and spouses is to learn what is helpful and what is not.

Partners can support the recovery process, but the actual work itself must be done, of course, by the person with the addiction or substance abuse problem.

There are several resources for partners:

• Al-Anon is a 12-step program for family members of addicts and alcoholics, and there is also a program for teenage children. In a supportive environment, you learn how to support and not enable recovery.
• Treatment programs often include spouses and partners in portions of the treatment process, allowing partners to gain a greater understanding of addiction and how to be supportive.
• Couples counseling in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy helps the couple heal from the challenges that occurred during the course of the addiction.

 

 

If you’d like to speak with one of our therapists about your situation and whether couples counseling could be a first step for healing your relationship, book a complimentary in-person consultation here.

 

 

Is what men want in relationships so different than women?

 

Well, that depends. What you’ll learn here is that how your man may respond to challenging situations between you may depend on a number of factors unique to him. What men want in relationships isn’t so different from what women want, but it can look different on the surface.

Our goal here is to help you open up communication between the two of you on how better to understand each other and to help you understand how to further nurture and deepen your connection.

Gender Differences Can Contribute to What Men Want in Relationships

In our culture and in many families, little boys and little girls often are raised with some subtle, yet important, differences. For example, when a little girl falls and scrapes her knee, parents often rush to her aid, comfort her and let her pick her favorite Band-Aid.

When little boys experience the same tumble, they’re often told to pick themselves up and that they are not hurt that badly.

Little girls typically are encouraged to express and share their feelings; on the other hand, little boys are guided to be brave, stoic and to manage their feelings on their own.

These different messages, while unintentional by most parents, begin to shape how children see themselves and society’s expectations. And, these same views are typically carried on into adulthood — and into our adult relationships. 

How Men & Women Differ in Conversation

Girls and boys develop different ways of engaging with one another and, thus, how they see interactions with others.

Boys and girls (and men and women) speak from different “languages” or perspectives, according to the work of Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., well-known for her years of research on how men and women interact in conversation.

“Girls play in small groups or in pairs; the center of a girl’s social life is a best friend,” Dr. Tannen writes. For girls, what’s most important in connection and closeness with her peers.

Boys, on the other hand, play in large groups that are hierarchical. Boys learn to value status and independence. Their groups have a leader who tells others what to do; their games have winners or losers.

Gender differences in ways of talking have been described by researchers observing children as young as three!

As adults, friction can occur when one partner wants to be heard and gain empathy from their partners and men offer advice or try to fix the problem. Sound familiar? 

It’s important to note that these differences are things that result from how we are raised and the messages we get about relationships through our childhood. This isn’t to say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but men and women often approach conversations differently. This makes understanding what each of you want a trickier thing.

Does Your Man Shut Down When You Want to Talk?

Most people become angry — even infuriated — when their partner shuts down during an argument or important discussion. A cycle may develop: You want to talk, he shuts down or leaves the room, you follow him and you’re angrier now because he won’t talk. Your increased anger causes him to be even more removed from the discussion. Unfortunately, the original issue rarely gets resolved. Or, maybe you learn not to even start the conversation in the first place. 

You’re frustrated, yet your man, actually, is often in a state of fear. A fear you won’t get to see or understand because he has gone silent. What men want in relationships often isn’t spoken. Again, men are often holding in their emotions, trying to withdraw from experiencing and/or sharing them. This often results not only in withdrawing from emotional intensity, but in withdrawal from their partner as well. 

Outbursts of anger are a typical exception: After a while of suppressing their feelings, someone may have an outburst of anger. The result can be a shouting match between you. Yet, again, issues are rarely resolved.

The Emotions Underneath Your Man’s Withdrawal

What we know is that men who withdraw from conflict have deeper feelings of which their partner may be unaware. These can include:

• Sad about letting partner down
• Fear of rejection for failing his partner, or being weak
• Inadequate to meet partner’s needs
• Not wanted or desired
• Judged, criticized
• Sad and ashamed about not feeling acceptable for who he is
• Anger about feeling disrespected

In couples counseling, we help both partners look beneath the withdrawal (and, yes, women can withdraw also!). Often, the woman who tries to get her partner to talk is quite unaware that her man has so many deep and sad feelings and a fear of disappointing her.

How Men and Women Experience Shame

We now turn to the work of Brene Brown, Ph.D., the well-known “shame researcher,” to further understand those deeper emotions.  She defines shame as an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and, thus, fearing we are somehow unworthy of love and belonging.

“Shame is the fear of disconnection,” she points out. “We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience.” She notes that we’re all afraid to talk about shame. “The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.”

Dr. Brown notes that most of women’s shame centers around her appearance and being “perfect” as a wife, mother and daughter.  For women,  the struggle is to feel “good enough” at home, work, with the kids, in bed.

Men, on the other hand, feel triggered by shame when they fear being weak or a failure. Your man can struggle with:

• Fear of failure at work, in sports, in marriage, in bed, financially and as a father
• Being wrong
• Revealing any weakness
• Showing fear
• Being criticized or ridiculed
• A sense of being defective
• LGBTQ issues around shame and acceptance, coming out, family support

The Aha! What Men Want in Relationships Becomes Clearer

All told, we can gain insight into how our man reacts to varied situations and stressors. And, we can begin to understand why men and their partners can clash and misunderstand each other.

First and foremost, all humans — men and women alike — seek to be heard and understood. We seek acceptance and love for who we are, an absence of criticism from our partner and to have someone who is there for us no matter what.

To His Partner: The challenge in fulfilling what men want in relationships requires our own understanding of ourselves — our fears of disconnection, of not being important to our partner and of not being good enough and loveable just the way we are. It’s often out of this fear that we pursue our partner to get him to talk when we are not getting along.

Which, may, in turn cause him to freeze up or leave the conversation. It’s easy for us to not understand that he fears letting us down, being rejected or feeling inadequate to please us. After all, we only see his silence or withdrawal!

The power of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy is that couples learn to more deeply understand themselves and their partner at a much deeper level and to gently understand those deeper, often-hidden fears.

Honoring What Your Man Wants in Your Relationship

Give some thought to the following (and consider discussing these with him):

• How do I help him feel important in our relationship? Is he certain that he is my priority in my life? 
• How can I avoid criticism when we have differences in style, preferences, opinions?
• Do I let him know when he has pleased me?  We all need feedback from time to time.
• Do we work together to make time for just the two of us — away from distractions and even the kids?
• Can I open the door to conversation without pressuring him? How can I soften my approach to him so he won’t freeze up? Do I make it easy for him to respond to me?
• Physical intimacy is one area that can be a contentious issue within a partnership. It’s an undeniable physical and emotional need for both, which can make coming to a balance between each person’s needs tricky. Often it seems that what men want in relationships is sex, and women want emotional connection. We can help you bridge that seeming gap because that’s not the whole story.

To learn what women want, we invite you to read this companion post What Women Want

For more on Dr. Brown’s work, you can watch her TED talk and read Daring Greatly (Gotham Books, 2012. For more about Dr. Tannen’s studies you can read her classic You Just Don’t Understand: Women & Men in Conversation (Ballantine, 1990)

 

We know you’re mystified at times to truly understand what women want.

You want to please her, keep her happy, console her (and that often goes wrong, eh?) and, yes, keep her satisfied. Whether you are a man or a woman in a relationship with a woman, or a woman yourself, we want you to hit the mark. We want you to know what women want, or rather, what your woman wants. 

We’re combining researched-based, scientific findings from the two leading couples-therapy experts. Thus, you’re getting the factual results of decades of study by the top people in their field.

We’re taking the knowledge to help you deeply understand what women want (and, also, what men want, because the title was totally a trick) from Sue Johnson, Ph.D., the leading creator of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, and psychologists John and Julie Gottman, creators of the Gottman method and the famous Love Lab.

So, let’s introduce you to Everywoman — she’ll be your guide to help you understand Your Woman. And, Your Woman may be different — so we’ll help you in finding out the needs, wants and desires of Your Woman at the end of this piece.

The Science Behind What Women Want

If I were to speak as “Everywoman” to help you understand me and the path to staying connected, this is what I would say. 

Above all, you matter a great deal to me. When I fell in love, we formed a bond that is so powerful for me. You’re my go-to for everything important to me — for sharing my feelings, to comfort me when I’m upset and to help me weather the tough stuff that life delivers from time to time. You help me be my best self.

Scientifically speaking, my brain goes haywire when I believe I can’t reach you emotionally, or when you don’t turn to me or respond when I need you. Over time, humans have evolved to find comfort in a significant other (yep, that’s you!).

Dr. Johnson writes, “The most functional way to regulate difficult emotions in love relationships is to share them. Our hearts and brains are set up to use our partners to help us find our balance in the midst of distress and fear. We are designed to deal with emotions in concert with another — not by ourselves.”

I deeply want us to stay connected — even at the times when I’m upset with you. And, when we’re not getting along, it’s usually because I don’t feel that all-important closeness.

I know, too, that when I’m upset, you may feel overwhelmed and not know how to best respond. Your brain becomes flooded with emotion — and your response may be along those lines of Fight, Flight or Freeze. I know our bond is important to you, too. (A note: As you read this, you may think,, “Hey, I want this, too!” The needs of men and women in their love relationships sometimes aren’t that different. More on this later.)

Let’s get started on what women want — the three areas where we need you most.

1. Can I Count on You?

I need to trust that you are emotionally connected to me. By trusting, I need to know you’ll do what you say you’ll do, will follow through on commitments and let me know, if, for any reason, you can’t.

At the heart of trusting you is being able to maintain our emotional connection. Here’s what Dr. Gottman has found in his years of studying couples:

• Give undivided attention when I need you. No phones, iPads, etc. I need eye contact — my brain actually connects to you this way, so turn toward me when we talk and put down your phone.
• Understand me. Even if my viewpoint or feelings don’t make sense to you, please ask me questions. Be curious — I love it when you are! I feel important and connected to you when you care about my thoughts and feelings and seek to understand me on a deeper level.
• Listen without defending or interrupting. OK, I know I do this too. So, let’s work together to listen to each other before responding. You may not agree with me, but Dr. Gottman points out that my feelings are my reality, and I deeply need you to share my world. This doesn’t mean agreeing, but being able to see my world so I don’t feel alone in it. When I’m upset, you’re the one person in this world who calms me. Really. When I don’t feel alone with my problems, I can handle them so much more easily. The empathy you show me when you listen, focus on me and are curious — no one can give me that like you can. Think of all the times you have been there for me — it’s magical how I can calm down and find peace.
• This one is important (and a common response by a lot of guys): Don’t try to “fix” the problem I’m sharing with you or start to give me advice. Just listen. Then ask, “How can I help?” I’ll tell you if I want ideas or just to download a painful or difficult situation. “Being heard” by you calms me! And, by the way, it’s way easier for you because you don’t have to work hard to try to solve my problems. Your listening and attention are often all that I want and need.

2. Be Accessible to Me.

Because you mean so much to me, it’s incredibly reassuring that I know you’ll be there when I need you. It’s not just what women want, it’s what keeps me close to you.

“Being there for me” means that I’ll have the emotional availability listed above. Dr. Sue Johnson describes what happens to people when they are totally disconnected and in conflict with their partners at times of need as a “primal panic”.

I know you can’t instantly always be available to me. However, if you let me know you’ll connect with me later, I can ease that panic. I’ll be more able to let stuff go, give you the benefit of the doubt, and not jump to the worst conclusion about our relationship.

I need to know we can connect emotionally. This means that I can get your attention easily when needed.

This has become more difficult for couples lately. We’re so easily distracted by and drawn into our electronic devices — checking our phones and email repeatedly, staying too long on video games and spending more time watching videos and shows. And, we’re also trying to meet our kids’ needs, too.

Sometimes we argue about this. I get upset if I don’t feel I come first with you — particularly when I need you. I don’t want to feel shut out or lonely. I need to know I matter most.

Please understand: It’s not that I want all your attention all the time. But when I need time with you, I want to become your main focus.

3. Be Responsive to Me

I want to be assured you value me and will stay close. We work to keep alive the emotional connection we had when we first met and fell in love.

What this means is:

• I feel confident that when we’re apart, we’re still feeling close. You think about me, reach out to me when you can
• I fully know you care about my feelings — what brings me happiness, what’s hurtful and any fears I may have
• I can take “emotional risks” with you — I can share deep feelings and you’ll try your best to understand

What Does Your Woman Truly Want?

This is going to sound really simplistic but it’s the real key to her heart and mind.

Ask her! We promise she’ll try to tell you. You can show her this article (she’ll be delighted you’re trying to learn) and ask her to tell you her thoughts.  You’ll be beginning a very important discussion and one that can continue as your explore not only what she wants but also what you most want and need from her.

But Men Want All this, Too!

Dr. Johnson says the three main items above are essential for healthy, loving relationships — for men as well as women, gay or straight. Men also want the same close, secure bond with their partner – though some women may be more likely to be expressive about their emotional needs. As you talk with your partner about what she wants, you open the dialogue to share how you also want to feel close, and what’s most important for nurturing your desire to be important, loved, and valued.

To learn more about what women want, (and what humans want), you can read:

By Dr. Sue Johnson: Love Sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. New York: Little, Brown 2013.

By Drs. John & Julie Gottman: The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically proven secrets from the “Love Lab” about what women really want. New York: Rodale, 2016.

To learn more about how we help couples understand using Emotionally Focused Therapy, click here, and you might also want to check out our post about Communication in Relationships

 

 

Learning that  a partner has been cheating is devastating. The security of your relationship is suddenly shattered. You can feel everything you relied on about your partner has profoundly become a thing of the past.

If you’re the hurt partner you may feel overwhelmed, perhaps asking yourself:

–How did this happen? I thought we were fine. Or,

–Okay, maybe we were having some rough patches — less time for ourselves with busy careers and kids’ needs, less connection, but, still. . .

— And, often, the most challenging: Why??

For the partner who went outside the marriage or relationship, there is often both intense shame and a desire to move on as quickly as possible. No matter how hard you try, your partner’s extreme emotions do not subside.

In this post, I’m going to reassure you that couples can work to recover trust and close connection following the acknowledgment of cheating. I’ll also share with you how a proven, well-researched approach to healing has the potential to guide you back to a secure relationship.

First, Some Facts About Cheating

Research tells us that about 70 percent of couples choose to continue the relationship after cheating is discovered. While divorce is two times more likely following disclosure of infidelity, the research indicates the majority of couples want to work things out.

Unfortunately, cheating is not a rare occurrence. We know that 25 percent of men and 15 percent of women engage in affairs that involve intercourse. And, when emotional and other intimacies with an outside person occur, these numbers increase by 20 percent.

What Constitutes Cheating?

The ease of reaching out on the internet has brought up the need for many couples to more clearly define what is meant by “cheating.”

A partner may see texting with others or corresponding with someone outside the marriage or  relationship as “harmless,” particularly if there’s been no in-person contact. His or her partner or spouse may strongly feel otherwise.

The best definition we’ve found of cheating is: Cheating is whatever your partner feels is unacceptable.

When one partner puts time, effort and energy into contact with another person, the impact on the other partner or spouse can feel threatening to the relationship and hurtful — no matter what form the cheating took. The partner may feel he or she is not important enough or inadequate and that what started as casual contact could evolve into something even greater.

The Challenge of Healing After Cheating

When an affair is discovered, the emotions of the hurt partner are complex. He or she feels this intense pain because their partner felt a need to look elsewhere for connection and/or intimacy.

Compounding the pain are the deception and hiding of the outside relationship that occurred during the affair. The hurt partner can feel, “Not only did you cheat, you also lied repeatedly.” The hidden and deceptive nature of cheating can be as damaging to trust as the intimacy that took place.

The couple now is challenged to restore trust and confidence in the relationship, but amidst the initial shock and dismay after cheating is revealed.

Understanding the Emotional Roller Coaster of Cheating

Indeed, the emotional turbulence that typically follows discovery of cheating is, in itself, a tremendous challenge for the couple to navigate. The injured partner is flooded with anger and sadness, and the injuring partner feels any attempt to soothe or reassure is never sufficient.

And, here’s why emotions are so heightened: When you met and fell in love with each other, you formed an strong, compelling bond or attachment. You were powerfully drawn both physically and emotionally to your partner. You became the most important people on the planet to each other!

We know from years of research that humans are hard-wired to connect with a special someone. Our brains are — and this is verified by brain scans — highly activated when we are in the loving presence of our spouse or partner.

Chemical reactions heighten our attraction and connection to our partner. You can recall how much you were drawn to each other, and how being apart in those early days could be so difficult.

If you have children together, you are powerfully connected through those experiences as well.

Therefore, it is no wonder that the discovery of cheating causes so much emotional distress. Suddenly, there is anger. anxiety and emotional intensity on the part of the hurt partner. Couples are often surprised by the intensity of these feelings . . . and how long they can continue.

Surviving the Emotional Intensity

As part of successful healing, each partner learns to fully and constructively express their emotions.

For the injured partner, he or she is not only angry and hurt, there may be intense anxiety about whether the cheating is still occurring. Trust has been broken, and this partner struggles to contain his or her fears for the future of the marriage or relationship.

For the partner who went outside the relationship, the challenge is to not avoid listening to their partner’s concerns or to diminish the hurt their partner is feeling. The deeper emotions of the injuring partner can center around shame and guilt for harming the relationship and the hurt that has been inflicted.

Too, the offending partner doesn’t know what to say to ease their spouse’s pain. “I’ve apologized so many times, but my partner is still so angry.” “I don’t know what else to do.” “I don’t know how we can move forward when my partner’s emotions are so intense.”

“We’re Stuck! Nothing Is Making this Better.”

It’s not unusual for the wound of infidelity to take over many aspects of the marriage. Small arguments become easily escalated because beneath daily interactions is a profound disconnection.

For example, one partner’s failure to remember to take out the trash is suddenly an expression of lack of caring for the hurt partner’s needs or of the disconnected status of the entire relationship.

A phone call or text that is not answered promptly now causes the hurt partner to become both angry and anxious.

At times, intimacy is often unwelcome by the hurt partner.

Often the couple is unable to reach resolution and healing because attempts to discuss the cheating often result in intense emotions by the hurt partner and avoidance by the partner who went outside the relationship. They are seeking to reconnect; however, they are both frustrated — and often feeling overwhelmed — because so little progress is taking place.

How Counseling Helps Couples Heal From Cheating

After so much expression of anger and pain at the discovery of cheating, the tendency for many couples can be to “let it go.” In other words, because couples feel so stuck, they may begin to avoid further attempts at discussion.

Unfortunately, the unresolved trauma to the emotional connection and trust is not healed. The injury to the security of the relationship is still likely to resurface.

In the words of Dr. Susan Johnson, the leading creator of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), “The only way out of these attachment injuries is to confront them and heal them together.” EFT is one of the most-researched and  most-successful couples-therapy methods.

To heal the pain of an affair, the couple needs to go beyond forgiveness and re-establish the ability of the injured partner to trust again.

The “good news” is that a skilled therapist (trained in EFT or the other leading method, Gottman Method Couples Therapy) can gently guide you toward resolution. We have a proven road map to not only address the pain of cheating but also to strengthen your relationship.

These powerful, tested couples-therapy methods offer you not only the possibility of recovery, but also the potential for renewing your bond and to learn to maintain a closer, secure connection into the future.

Taking the First Step

As experienced couples therapists, we know how difficult it can be to come to counseling following disclosure of an affair.

The most common fear we hear is that the therapists will “take sides” with one of the partners. Fortunately, the care and thoroughness of the development of these two powerful couples-therapy approaches actually eliminates such a position for the counselor.

Rather, we help you understand the role of secure connection in your marriage or relationship. You’ll learn how to communicate differently — and much more effectively! — and how to more deeply and thoroughly tap into each other’s emotional needs. To learn more about Emotionally Focused Therapy and our approach, click here.

To help you with making your decision, we offer a free 30-minute consultation so you can meet your therapist, ask questions and learn about the counseling process. We want you to be as comfortable as possible as we begin this important journey together. Click here to sign up for a consultation or a session.

Other articles that may interest you:

Avoiding Relationship Conflict Isn’t As Safe As You Think

Loving An Addict