Kat Mindenhall, LCSW

Marital Problems: What was I thinking when I married my spouse?

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When you have marital problems, it’s natural to focus on the negative and wonder “What was I thinking when I married my spouse?” In fact, that’s probably a very large contributor to why things are not going well. One simple thing that you can do to help take the edge off of your mental hostility toward your partner is to get in touch with what you were thinking when you two got together. Take some quiet time to really think about this. You might even want to start a list, and add to it every now and then when you remember something. If you have trouble with this, it may be that you have been married for 40 years. If so, congratulations! If not, then it is likely that your negativity is making it hard to recall these feelings. You have to move yourself into a different emotional space and take off those crap-colored glasses. These glasses are a huge obstacle to marital satisfaction anyway – you might as well make a few cracks in them.

Answer these questions to yourself:

  1. What initially attracted you to your partner?
  2. What did you tell your close friends or family about your partner?
  3. What kinds of strengths, talents, or qualities did you partner have that interested you, amazed you, or were totally opposite of your own?
  4. How did you two meet?
  5. What kinds of things did you used to do together, in the early days?
  6. In what ways did your friends or family see you two as a good fit?
  7. What were the things that made your knees weak, heart flutter, cheeks flush?

Be careful not to use this list as a comparison for how badly things have gone downhill. Once you have thought about these or even added other things, sit with that warm affectionate feeling for a while. Take a vacation from your current hurt. You may find that this helps you to be warmer and more receptive to your partner. It can’t hurt!

How to Help Young Children Cope with Death

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How to help young children cope with deathOn December 20th, a childhood friend of mine was killed in an accident. Her nine year-old daughter Sarah was orphaned just before Christmas. A tragic and sudden death leaves everyone reeling. Knowing how to help young children cope with death can be difficult given that everyone else is also in crisis. The adults have to function, and the child has to be cared for. Most adults don’t know how to talk to children about death, and don’t know what is and what isn’t normal in the grief process. The subject of children and grief is vast, but this is what you can expect with young children ages 0-9, and how you can help them in their grieving.

Infant-Two Years: Babies and toddlers have no concept of death, and no words to express anything. They live in a physical world. They sense the change in routine, and the loss of the loved one’s presence – their voice, smell, touch, seeing them. They can experience anxiety and fears that they are being abandoned because at this age they are completely dependent. They may cry, have health and sleep issues, and display physical behaviors like rocking, thrashing, hitting, biting, sucking. The most important thing for them is to be able to feel physical closeness and have their routine as close to normal as possible. Affection, cuddling, routines, and a lot of patience will do much to soothe these bewildered little ones.

Three to Five Years: Children this age have no ability to cognitively understand the permanence of death, even if they can understand some of the biology. They feel fear, sadness, anxiety, insecurity, worry, guilt, and confusion. They may think the loved one will return, and wonder what would happen if their other caregiver(s) dies. They may think that their thoughts have the power to cause things to happen, so they may believe that they caused the death by having wished that the person were dead at one time. They take things quite literally, so don’t use metaphors to explain things.

Young children can develop magical stories about the death or what will happen to them. For example, a four year old might think that their mom literally lives on a cloud in heaven, and may worry that she will fall off if the clouds disappear. Young children may seek out situations that help them distinguish the real from imaginary, and can act out scenes of death or develop a fascination with dead things. They may be full of repetitive questions, or act like nothing happened. They might start acting younger than they really are (regress) and want to be held or fed like a baby, or talk in baby talk. Intense emotional outbursts, dreams, and fighting are common.

The important thing for kids this age is to be able to do all of this with support – help them identify feelings and have their routines and structure. Answer questions simply and truthfully, and let the child cry. Don’t worry about the behaviors – as long as it’s safe. Involve them as much as possible in the mourning rituals (but don’t force).

Six to Nine Years: Kids this age are beginning to understand that death is final, and may have a lot of preoccupation with the details as they sort out the biology of death. They may think that their thoughts or actions caused the death, and are starting to ask spiritual questions and form spiritual ideas. A really common thing is to act as if the death never happened, to hide feelings, or be withdrawn. They can also regress. Nightmares and fears of others dying, acting out, and poor grades are common. They worry about what will happen to them if a parent or other loved one dies.

Complex emotions such as anger, guilt, fear, confusion, loneliness, worry, and withdrawal are likely to be present. Encourage art, drama, pretend play, dance, sports. Encourage the child to express their emotions however they can (verbally, through art, etc) without pushing or buying into the notion that they are over it because they seem fine. Be physical with hugs, and don’t discourage their regressing or questions. Work with the school to make sure they get support and have an appropriate workload.

If the child has any of these symptoms for a long time, or has persistent depression, sleep or eating issues, withdrawal, or major school issues, seek professional help. A counselor/therapist can help the child come to accept the death and heal.

Healthy Relationship Change: How to Start

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Healthy Relationship Change: how to startSimple Steps to Create Healthy Relationship Change

So, if you can bring about positive change by focusing on yourself rather than by trying to change the other person, how do you do it? There are two major things you need to do in order to change your dance:

Get clear on what the real issue is

Many times in a conflict we go in with our gloves on but we are unclear about what we are really upset about, or what we want to be different. The most effective way to change your moves is to get some clarity. When you aren’t clear about what you feel and want, you go in and blow things up (and get disapproval instead of understanding) or you give up yourself to keep the peace. So, think about it – what’s the real issue? When you get angry with your kids, are you really feeling hurt that your children aren’t respecting you? Or embarrassed that you can’t control them? Or fearful that you are going to hurt them if you are too hard on them? When your partner does something that you don’t like, what are you telling yourself about what that means, and how are you feeling? Just try to recognize that there are feelings at play – learn to see it. You have a right to your thoughts, feelings, and wishes. If you can state your wishes clearly and make good decisions that honor them, that itself would be a hugely different dance.

Things will get in your way, but don’t give up

We have a right to what we want and so does everyone else. We want others to change for us, and like it. Or, at least let us change without giving us any grief. Sorry, but this isn’t realistic. Change is hard for everyone. This creates anxiety that makes people try to get you to change back. Your job is to stay clear on what you want, not to make the other person’s anxiety about change go away. Your own anxiety about change could be your biggest enemy. If you did things differently, things would change, which can be scary. Things got this way because it serves a purpose, and the dance you know could be easier than the dance you have to learn. The good news is that small, easy steps are the best course of action and usually create positive changes. If you do too much too soon, it’s likely that everything will rebound back to the same old dance. If your expectations are realistic you’ll be prepared for little bumps along the way. So, start slow and don’t get upset if things don’t change immediately.

Once you have put some thought into those two things, you are ready to try out some simple steps:

Strike while the iron is cold. Don’t try to change things during the heat of an argument or difficult time with a loved one. You yourself have to take a step back and calm down so that you can gain clarity and own your position. You also can’t get anywhere with another person when they are upset. Walk away from the fight and let it simmer down. Let the crisis with the kids subside. Then collect your thoughts and address it.

Change how you approach a situation. Do something funny instead – such as create a funny rhyme to recite to your spouse instead of avoiding the issue altogether or storming in.  Express your anger with your spouse through a finger puppet. Write a little note, or something that it just different from how you normally bring something up. Surprise and humor do a lot to change the old fighting dance! Are the kids fighting in public? Do you have the guts to lay down on the floor and pretend to have a tantrum right there in the store and embarrass them to death?

Make more decisions that honor you. This is useful for people, (frequently women, but by no means only women) who find themselves foregoing their needs and wishes to keep the peace with their spouse, kids, parents, etc. Stop waiting for someone to make it easy to change. Usually someone has to make the first move and it might as well be you. It’s important to make it clear that you are doing something for yourself rather than to someone else. If you stay clear about what you feel and need without trying to change the other, you may find that you see more change happening.

Good luck! If you are diligent and keep trying, you will be well on your way to having healthier relationships through being more responsible for your own actions and creating positive change through changing yourself!

 

 

 

 

Relationship Change: The Power Is Yours

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Relationship changeRelationship Change: The Power Is Yours

Many people are frustrated because they have motivation for relationship change, but their partner, teen, or other significant person doesn’t. Did you know that by changing your behavior you can create changes in others’ behavior, too?  You can have a huge positive impact on what seems like a dead-end situation, even if you are the only one doing anything different. This week we’ll start to look deeper at the first and fourth elements of a healthy relationship, being responsible for your own actions and happiness, and thus changing others (by changing yourself).

This is NOT about how to make people do what you want them to do or control them with some Jedi mind stuff. You know that you can create positive and negative responses by doing certain things. Being rude gets you to one place, and being agreeable gets you somewhere else.  It’s about how relationships work. We act, others react, then we react to that, and others react to that, and, I think you get the picture. This is what Harriet Lerner called The Dance – how two people (or more) form a dance of patterns in a relationship. One person takes a step forward, and the other person takes a step back to stay in sync. Our most important relationships are like unique and complex dances. Some dances are harmonious, and some a little more chaotic. To change a person’s behavior, start by changing your dance moves and see how the whole dance changes.

We do the same dances time and time again

Most of the arguments in a relationship are likely to sound like a CD stuck on repeat. Your child does something they are not supposed to, so you react in the predictable way, and so do they. The root of the behavior is never addressed, so you will dance again in an hour. Your partner “always” or “never” does this or that, and you can see a disagreement coming a mile away. The dance is always similar in your head, too. The things you tell yourself about a situation, the emotions that come up for you, they are the music. Are you “always” the yeller, and your partner “always” the silent one? Are you the one that starts all of the “talks”? Or the one that gets all of the “talking to”? With your kids, are you always the bad guy, or the fun parent? The softie, or the hammer? Do you have similar issues with folks at work and in other areas? Are you always the one that rushes in to save a situation from becoming a crisis? Or the one that takes care of others? And the dances we do are very common. You can bet that you aren’t the only one with certain dances you’d like to change.  Think of it has having plenty of company in the ballroom.

You can only move your own feet in any dance

So many people want great relationship change, but they say things like, “I want my partner to do…” Or, “I want to get my kids to stop doing this and start doing that.” It’s fine to want someone to change, and you can do plenty to encourage that, but that’s like looking at another’s feet and thinking that if you concentrate hard enough they will move. You have to focus on what you can control, which is the role you play. The same is true when waiting for someone else to change before you’ll change. Sure, it would be convenient if the other person did something that made it easier or more enjoyable to change what you are doing. But, as long as you are lock-step in the same old patterns that is unlikely to happen.

So, where do I start?

Start identifying your patterns and your dance. You could, if so inclined, sit down with a pen and paper and actually write out what you know to be the steps to something that you and a loved one struggle with. For example: “First, the kids do this, and then we do that, and it ends with this.” Or, you can just observe your life and see if you have that deja vu feeling. In your head you might say something like, “Oh, here we go again…” That would be the first clue that you are dancing.  Is there a point at which you typically lose your temper? Or storm off? Or start to go off in an unhealthy direction with your thoughts? Take an honest look at what part you play in the dance. It can seem hard at first, but with practice you can see patterns emerging.

I would also take a look at Harriet Lerner’s books.

 

Healthy Communication in 4 Easy Steps

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Healthy Communication in 4 Easy StepsThe Steps to Healthy Communication Can be Simple

Last week we talked about the five intentions in a healthy relationship. With the holidays coming I thought we could look at the second one – how to practice healthy communication.

Have you ever had this kind of thing happen?

Aunt Betty always does this. Every Christmas she bakes these insane amounts of super rich foods, KNOWING that I am trying to slim down. Is she doing this just to annoy me? And if I DON’T eat, she gets really offended, and then people silently blame me for ruining Christmas! One year she accused me of insinuating that SHE needed to diet because I didn’t want to eat the food! 

We have all had one of those situations where we just want to tell a loved one that we prefer that they do or not do something. This is called healthy communication, and boundary setting. Before you know it, people are screaming at each other, and you are pretty sure that you didn’t start the argument. You were only trying to say what you needed, but they totally blew it out of proportion. Arguments happen, and it would be unrealistic to say that you can always be cool as a cucumber when you are mad about something. But, how are you supposed to be assertive and get your point across if it just starts a fight? Or causes people to give you the silent treatment? And how are you supposed to do this with KIDS?!?

First Step for Healthy Communication: Soft Start-Up

How we start a conversation makes a night and day difference in how the conversation goes. Research has shown that couples (and families) who are better at being gentle and loving in starting conversations are happier and stay together longer. If you can start it well with a strong intention to remain loving, you will get better and better at ending it well!

4 Steps in Healthy Communication

First, take a deep breath and think about your intention to be loving.  And remember that you can only try your best. You can’t control whether the other person chooses to accept this or not. The important thing is that you are making your needs known in a healthy way, not stuffing them or exploding. This creates space for loving communication in return if the other person is willing/able to.

G: Get it

Start out by showing the other person that you get them – you get their feelings or why they do something. This is simple validation. Example: “Aunt Betty, I know how you enjoy making lots of great Holiday treats and it’s the main way that you practice giving. You love seeing people enjoy themselves at Christmas.”

I-Statements

Next, tell the person what you feel, think, or want by referring to your own feelings and needs as much as possible. This is not “I feel that you are a jerk.” This is not even talking about their behavior or intentions if possible. This helps to avoid them feeling like they are being attacked. Example: “I am trying to slim down, and I need to really stick to it over the Holidays. So I can’t eat many of the home made treats this year.”

V: Validate

This is just like step one, only you are going to do more of it. Try to sprinkle in some feeling words so that the person really feels like you understand, or express some sort of appreciation for them. “I see how much care you put into it, and I really appreciate all of your effort. You make us all feel so loved!” For extra credit, you can add something about how you imagine that might make someone feel, such as, “I imagine that it could hurt your feelings if I don’t eat your cookies this year.”

E: Encourage

Lastly, try to encourage more good things. This can mean noticing and appreciating someone’s efforts to understand you or listen, or catching them trying to do something new and acknowledging it. If all else fails, you can encourage them by thanking them for letting you say what you needed to. “Thank you so much for letting me say this, it means a lot.” You can always thanks someone for letting your be honest with them, or praise them for being willing to talk about something difficult.

Notice how much of that formula has to do with being positive: 75%. How much is a criticism aimed at another person? 0%. When you use an I-statement, it doesn’t guarantee that the other person isn’t going to get mad, it just makes it so that you aren’t attacking someone else and making them responsible for how you feel. It makes it clear that you aren’t doing something to spite them, you are doing it because you need to. I-Statements can be over-used, but they remain a good reminder to own your crap and not point the finger when you are trying to have healthy communication.

To keep things going well continue to G.I.V.E. during the whole conversation. Even if you feel artificial or can’t put all the steps in every time, you will get better and become more natural with it. If you have the intention to G.I.V.E. in every difficult conversation, you will be better off!

Healthy Communication with Kids

With kids, we are often setting limits, so a slightly different formula can be used for that:

V – Validate: “I know you really want to________, or don’t want to ____________, or you really feel ____________”

E – Expectation: “I need you to ____________ or stop ___________”

R – Reinforce the rule: “Because we never ___________ or it isn’t nice to ___________”

Y – Yay! Give lots of praise and encouragement.

So, this might look like:

“I know you are having a lot of fun bouncing the ball off of the wall, but I need you to take the ball outside because the rule is that we don’t do that in the house. Thank you for stopping, that’s great listening!”

This simple formula for healthy communication with kids can be used when a rule or limit needs to be set, and it can feel wordy at first. But, with practice it will roll off your tongue just as easily as “KNOCK IT OFF!” It sets up a better chance for the child to follow the direction, and it helps you to slow down and be more mindful of what you are trying to help the child understand rather than just punishing the behavior.

Both of these healthy communication formulas can be used with kids if needed. I have used both for different situations. Healthy communication is tough, and there are a lot of other ways to tackle it. Holiday stress can be tough as well, here is another post on managing the holidays with your family through healthy communication.

 

Now go out there and G.I.V.E. to your family this Holiday Season!

Happy New Year!

 

What People in Healthy Relationships Do

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What People in Healthy Relationships Do: Having the Right IntentionWhat People in Healthy Relationships Do

Healthy is not perfect. There is no “perfect” relationship, and if you think you have one you either worked hard to make it that way, or you have worked hard to look the other way. What matters in a relationship is the intention that each person brings to the table. Do you want to keep getting better at things, or do you expect the other person to keep getting better? Do you see difficulties as opportunities to learn more about others and yourself? You can work toward a “perfect for you” relationship that helps you both feel good, but don’t expect that you will have textbook-perfect relationships. That would be a great example of having expectations that leave you really disappointed, all of the time.

If we start with intention, what should those intentions be if we want a healthy relationship?

You’d be surprised at how becoming more aware of your intention can take you off of auto-pilot and naturally bring positive change. In the coming weeks I will be devoting a post to each of these topics, so don’t worry if you don’t quite get it. Just think about what comes up for you when you read each of these. To start, pick one or two to really ponder. If you get stuck, make a comment or send me a message and I will incorporate an answer into the next post!

Intend to be responsible for your own actions and happiness

We feel things when others do things. But others don’t make us do things, and they can’t be responsible for our feelings. If we feel anger when someone does something, we may need to address that, but it doesn’t mean that anyone has the power to control our emotions. Because of this, no one in the world can make us happy all of the time. Your spouse can do the same thing on two different days and it may make you happy one day and miserable the next. Let your loved ones off the hook for making you happy or miserable. Likewise, you need to get off the hook for anyone else’s misery or happiness!

Intend to communicate what is on your mind lovingly, and create a safe space for others to do so as well

Less blaming, more owning up to your own role in things, and a gentler way of approaching issues could do wonders for you. Children especially need this from us. Depending on their age, they can’t separate how you feel from how they should feel (and should be feeling about themselves). In fact, many adults can’t either! Loving communication creates a safe and inviting space for you to actually get a response you can work with. An easy way to start is to just try to begin conversations in a gentler way.

Intend to treat others how they want to be treated, not how you want to be treated

The Golden Rule stills applies, but it overlooks the fact that others might not want the same thing you do! Your husband’s idea of a good talk might be a two minute exchange that ends with a definite plan. Your idea could be a 45-minute emotional heart to heart. Are there ways that you assume that what you want is the same as what others want? What might be different between those two ideals?

Intend to change other people’s behavior only by changing your own

You can actually change other people’s behavior – you just can’t control it. Have you asked for something a million times and not gotten it? Do you have the same arguments over and over? If you change one little thing, that will send ripples of change through your relationship.  Do more of what works, and less of what doesn’t.  Your approach might not have the effect you wanted, but you can try again. And it might not solve 100% of the problem, but changing your steps will change the dance.

Intend to be trustworthy

This is pretty self-explanatory, or is it? Don’t lie, cheat, steal, blah, blah, blah. Did you know that people trust you more when what you do, say, and feel all match? They trust you when you are reliable and consistent. You might not lie to your loved ones, but if you blow up over small things and then don’t react to big things, it will make them uneasy and mistrustful. Or, if you are fuming and say you aren’t angry, there is a disconnect that makes it hard for anyone to work with you instead of against you.