Kat Mindenhall, LCSW

Recovering from an Emotional Affair

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Discovering an emotional affair on your phoneIf your relationship is impacted by an Emotional Affair there are things you need to know

Lately, we’re hearing the term emotional affair more than ever. Perhaps the internet has made it easier to reach out to other people. Yet, an emotional affair can begin in the workplace or in any setting in which people interact, such as charity work and sports activities.

By definition, an emotional affair is a relationship outside of the marriage or primary relationship in which a person finds comfort, an emotional connection and often some sexual chemistry with this outside individual. Often, there is not any physical or sexual contact, but many times there is a strong feeling of connection. Many emotional affairs are only conducted online.

The problem lies in the fact that an emotional affair is “an affair of the heart.” Attention is focused on someone outside the primary relationship, the contact can be frequent (sometimes multiple times daily), and is often hidden from the spouse or primary partner. There may be sharing with the emotional affair partner about the primary marriage or relationship and its shortcomings.

There is a “pull” felt within the emotional affair. Starting as a friendship, the connection strengthens, boundaries may become less rigid, one or both may find their thoughts turn to sexual fantasies. The amount of contact escalates. In emotional affairs, both people typically feel compelled to be in touch, to share important thoughts and feelings and to look forward to hearing from the other — often with increasing frequency.

Discovery of an Emotional Affair Brings Many Strong Emotions

When the spouse or primary partner learns of the emotional affair, it may not matter whether there was a sexual aspect or overtones. The hurt is real, yet often not understood by the person engaging in the outside relationship.

“I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s not like we had sex. We’ve never actually even met in person.” Denial of the intent or extent of the emotional affair is a frequent first reaction.

However, the spouse or primary partner feels a deep wound. “Why did you need this other person?” “What was he or she giving you that I don’t?” “If it’s not a big deal, why have you hidden this from me?”

Arguments can escalate easily. Here’s why: The emotional affair is a threat to the emotional bond of your primary relationship. That bond is a powerful force that formed when the couple first met and romantic love developed. Because humans are hard-wired for close, loving relationships, any interference with the couple’s connection that had been formed between them feels like an emotional threat to the primary partner.

The anger and upset expressed after an emotional affair is discovered may mask the deep hurt that lies beneath. It’s important to understand that the hidden, secretive way in which emotional affairs take place add to the sting of betrayal and the new insecurity of the hurt partner.

Misunderstandings Abound About Emotional Affairs

A range of emotions typically surface when the couple attempts to resolve the hurtful feelings. These can include:Couple facing disconnection after an emotional affair is discovered

  • The person who engaged in the emotional affair feels overly accused and may minimize the spouse or primary partner’s feelings of hurt and distrust because there was no physical intimacy. Of course, the primary partner feels not heard or understood.
  • For the spouse, there can be a fear that, if not discovered, the emotional affair would have moved further — and into a sexual relationship.
  • The hurt partner can wonder why there was so much contact with this other person if the relationship “truly didn’t matter.” I’ve often heard partners complain that the other person gets more responses via text, email, or phone than they do. This hurts.

Despite the lack of real in-person or sexual contact, emotional affairs are a threat to the marriage because some needs were apparently being met in the emotional affair that were not fulfilled in the primary relationship.

An Emotional Affair Story

Carmen and Jim met at an art class. Carmen’s husband Michael was busy with work, plus he had minimal interest in Julie’s “crafty” pursuits. She’d go alone to craft fairs and art galleries or with girlfriends. Both had said this was okay, but Carmen really wished Sam would take more of an interest or that they would do more activities together.

She enjoyed Jim’s passion for painting as they talked in class. They began to have text conversations. Carmen found she could not wait to hear from him. She even felt anxious when there was a delay. She began to look forward to painting class even more. Carmen admits to herself there was a certain thrill in this new friendship — though she respected the boundaries of her marriage. After all, she truly loved Michael. It started as having a friend with a common interest, and even though there were warning signs, Carmen tried hard not to think that she was playing with fire.

Then Michael discovered the extensive texts on her phone, and he was devastated. So many of the texts were late at night — and some appeared to be a bit flirty. Michael’s hurt often surfaced as anger. The couple found they argued frequently over the emotional affair. This was the first major problem in their marriage, yet Michael could not recover. He felt his trust for Carmen was slipping away, and the more Carmen reassured him that she wasn’t having an affair, the more Michael felt misunderstood and protective of the relationship. Carmen began to feel suffocated by Michael’s reactivity about the issue. Michael started to feel like Carmen didn’t want to help him feel more secure in the relationship.

An Opportunity for Reconnection

After months of arguing, the couple sought help. They learned in counseling why the emotional affair was so deeply hurtful to Michael. Carmen began to understand the depth of his pain.

But more than only resolving the emotional affair, they were able to explore what was missing in their marriage. The strong attachment bond that brought them together initially had become more strained. Michael’s devotion to his career meant long hours away from home. Carmen did not know how to openly express her needs to Michael for greater closeness and more time together. Michael couldn’t understand why his career driven mindset didn’t illustrate how important Carmen actually was to him – he was doing this for them and their future, but he couldn’t nurture their emotional connection.

Unfortunately, the missing pieces in the marriage got filled with the emotional affair.

Carmen and Michael were able to revisit what kept them connected in the past. They had enjoyed hiking and attending local theater — and now needed to to re-prioritize their time together. They once had a daily ritual of having time together on the patio every evening to share their day and other thoughts. They needed to bring back the ritual that kept them in touch and close in the past.

Staying Close in the Digital Age

Couple having an emotional affair onlineCarmen and Michael were able to recover, fortunately. As with many couples today, there are tons of challenges to making the relationship a priority.

Longer work hours, especially when you are building your career, are very common. Working remotely or on weekends makes unplugging more difficult, mentally and physically.

Additionally, meeting the needs of children can become the priority more than the couple’s relationship. Parents want to be supportive of kids’ sports and other activities, but less and less time seems to be available for the couple to be alone together.

Recovering from an Emotional Affair

  1. Do not to underestimate the damage that an emotional affair can have. They can be as destructive as a physical affair, especially for partners who highly value an emotional connection in their relationship. Recovering from an affair is very similar to dealing with an emotional affair.
  2. Understand that to heal, you must feel. That means that if your partner is upset, you need to get it. Truly work to understand and feel their pain in ways that you can show that you are touched by the impact this has had. The worst thing you can do is tell your partner that the emotional affair wasn’t anything to worry about.
  3. Try to get underneath your anger or efforts to “fix” and communicate your needs clearly. Instead of accusing your partner of hurting you in anger, share your fears and hurts. Anxiety after an affair is common, and there are ways to address it.
  4. This is tough, but you have to stop the emotional affair. It’s best not to have any more contact with the person, but if that’s not possible because you work with them, put some boundaries in place. Your relationship won’t heal if you are continuing to poke holes in it.
  5. Seeking help is smart! Even for an emotional affair. If your partner doesn’t think that you need counseling just for an emotional affair, well that may be the first therapeutic issue we tackle. Reach out to a couples therapist, especially one who practices Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Here in Denver, we are happy to chat with you about your couples therapy needs and see if we can be helpful at no charge. 

 

 

Boundaries for Couples: Healthy Holidays with Extended Family

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Boundaries for couples often become strained during the holiday season.

We’re spending more time with our relatives and have added family expectations that surround holiday traditions. Without having clear boundaries for couples, you can wind up feeling frustrated and misunderstood. 

And, couples can face struggles with boundaries with in-laws and extended family throughout the year as well.

Setting boundaries for couples can be indeed challenging — and can be the source of hurt feelings, arguments and  unresolved conflicts. During our interactions with extended family during the holiday season, these long-standing issues often come to the fore.

So, we’re devoting this post to helping you understand the challenges you and your partner might be encountering (you’re certainly not alone in this dilemma), as well as helping you talk through boundary concerns in order to build greater understanding between you two.

“Setting Boundaries” Defined

Boundaries are the rules and limits we set for ourselves — and as a couple — in our relationships with others.

Healthy boundaries enable us to say “no” and set limits with others while also allowing us to have closeness and good, positive relationships. Examples include: sharing information in appropriate ways, being able to communicate your wants and needs and being able to say “no” to others and accept when they say “no” to us. We don’t feel we have to compromise our values to please others.

Rigid boundaries may keep us distant from others, may prevent closeness with others, both emotionally and physically. We may be hesitant to ask for help, we can seem detached even from our partner and we may keep a distance to avoid rejection.

People with loose boundaries may tend to become over-involved and concerned about others. We can share too much personal information, struggle with saying “no” and may act against our values in order to please others.

Setting Boundaries Can Be a Mixed Bag

Establishing healthy boundaries can be challenging for some people more than others. Much may depend on what we were taught or experienced in our families as we were growing up.

As we mature, we can examine our own ways of connecting to others and determine our own choices about setting boundaries for couples.

Different cultures may have varying traditional boundaries. Some avoid closeness; others freely share information, hugs and connection with family and friends.

Also, each family develops its own style or culture as well. Some families maintain closeness with extended family members, neighbors and friends. Others are more distant.

Types of Boundaries

Several different types of boundaries are common and can include:

  • Physical Boundaries are how we handle physical touch and personal space. Healthy boundaries include an awareness ofFamilies enjoying good boundaries what makes others comfortable and how much physical contact you welcome from others. Some of us are “huggers” and easily embrace those close to us. Some people are less comfortable with physical contact.
  • Emotional Boundaries for couples involve how and what we may share with others. Sharing information with friends and family members can be a cause of hurt feelings if not first agreed upon. Poor emotional boundaries can include criticism, blaming and put-downs of others.
  • Material Boundaries include how we handle money and possessions. If we feel pressured to lend money or an important possession (such as a car), our boundaries help us identify when to set limits.
  • Time is also a source of boundary confusion. How and how much time we spend with others can impact any relationship. Couples often neglect to have thorough discussions of how their time will be spent: Pressures to spend time with children and extended family members may leave sparse time for the couple to have alone together.

Boundaries for Couples: Understanding Competing Priorities

Our first, and most powerful, attachment bonds were formed with our parents. As adults, our most important bonds are established with our romantic partner.

However, the bond we formed with our parents, siblings and other family-of-origin folks, remains a powerful influence. We can find we are straddling between both significant relationships — family and spouse or partner.

Attachment bonds are strong and enduring — therefore, when there’s conflict of any type, the emotions can be strong and easily triggered when problems arise.

“In-laws and extended family members often require couples to navigate a three-way relationship,” write authors Brent Bradley, Ph.D., and James Furrow, Ph.D., in “Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies.”

“You and your partner chose each other, but you didn’t choose your partner’s family,” they explain. “If you’re like many couples, you and your partner have to work at navigating the expectations of family members.”

Typical expectations of couples by their families can include gender roles (what’s expected of each partner), opinions about parenting, receiving or giving financial support from or to family members and participation in family rituals, such as holidays.

How Do I Matter? How Do I Fit In?

holiday boundaries for couplesSpouses and partners can feel hurt or less emotionally secure when it seems the other is siding with or giving in to their own family’s influence.

To understand why issues with boundaries for couples with extended families can create such strong emotions and conflict, it’s helpful to be reminded of the powerful emotional bond created when we met our partner and fell in love.

The strong bond we initially felt — and that continues to keep us close and connected — means that our partner is the one we reach out for in times of distress, the one we miss when we’re apart, the person we count on to be there for us.

This attachment, through evolution, is crucially important to our well-being. We feel more confident, we feel secure and we feel we are not alone in facing what the world sends our way.

“We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened,” notes Sue Johnson, Ph.D., the primary creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, in her book for couples, “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.”

So, it makes sense, then, that when we feel our spouse or partner’s greater loyalty is to someone other than us — even a parent, sibling or close friend — we question our importance to our partner and whether we’re indeed a priority.

Healthy Boundaries for Couples Don’t Just Happen

“Family relationships can be both a resource and a challenge for couples. Extended-family relationships may provide social, emotional and practical support, especially in the early years of a marriage. At the same time, these relationships can create obstacles between partners that can endure for years,” according to Drs. Bradley and Furrow.

Here’s a type of scenario:

David and Marie typically spend holidays with her parents because they live in the same town. But, during their visits, David feels Marie is so involved with everyone there — except him. He feels more and more like an outsider, even though he can carry his own weight in conversations with her extended family.

Still, he feels hurt. He wants them to spend more holidays with his family, even though it involves a three-hour drive. And, he wants Marie to stay closer to him on visits to her family.

David is afraid to speak up because he knows how important these family events are to his wife. Yet, he harbors a resentment.

David clearly has a choice: Continue the resentment or speak to Marie and share his deeper feelings that include hurt, sadness and a desire for his family to feel as important to the couple.

Of course, very little will change if David doesn’t risk having that conversation — except, of course, that his resentment can continue to grow.

Let’s look at some ways boundaries for couples can be better addressed.

Keys to Greater Boundary Understanding

  1. Take time and initiate conversations with your partner to build a greater understanding of each other’s family traditions and culture. What’s most important to each family? What are the long-time holiday traditions? How does the family value closeness? What are each family’s expectations of the couple?

There may be vast differences between each partner’s family. Understanding and appreciating those differences can enlighten each of you and help you feel more comfortable.

  1. Avoid sharing personal information with family members. If your relationship has some challenges, your partner may feel his or her privacy was violated if these issues are discussed with members of your family. Too, it can be hard to “erase” the perceptions those family members may have developed after you and your partner have resolved the concerns.

Confiding in family members can feel like a source of relief; yet, it’s also a major breach of the trust you have built with your partner.

  1. Avoid criticizing your partner’s family members. Keep in mind that your partner has an emotional connection to his or her extended family, and your criticism can be hurtful to your partner.
  2. Along with understanding more about your partner’s extended family, be curious how your partner relates to them. Families are complex, indeed, and the relationships your partner has can be important. The greater your understanding of the familial bonds, the easier it will be for you to accept and honor your partner’s feelings.
  3. Plan, plan and plan! Holidays also can be stressful times. Spend time before the holidays discussing how to support each other should family holiday stressproblems emerge. Discuss, as well, how you’ll stay close and connected to your partner amidst the many family events. How can you make some time for each other during the visits? What does each of you need from each other to handle any challenges?

We spend lots of hours and dollars on holidays. Yet very little time often is spent on discussing how to keep your relationship strong during all the many interactions, family expectations and kids’ needs.

Resolving Old Issues

Speak up — we know it’s difficult — about any past emotional wounds or hurt feelings. At the end of this post, we’ll link you to some other articles on how to do this. Resolving old painful events helps each of you stay in the present and enjoy the holidays with a new perspective.

Work to resolve old or unresolved issues between the two of you related to helping or accepting help from extended family members. These may include:

  • Asking for or providing babysitting
  • Financially helping your adult children
  • Providing care and financial support for aging families
  • Offering family help when siblings aren’t equally contributing

Honor Each Other’s Family; And Prioritize Your Partner

Remind yourself that the effort to connect and accommodate your partner’s family is one of the greatest gifts you can offer in your relationship. Your understanding, patience and acceptance — despite challenges — requires rising above the smaller issues and minor hurt feelings.

What is often at the root of couples’ issues and arguments about extended families can be basic and profound: Does your partner truly feel they come first? That they are your Number 1 no matter what?

When you met and fell in love, your partner became the most important person in your life. You doted on each other, spent as much time together as possible and built your own history of emotional and physical connection. That powerful bond is the force that keeps you close and is the foundation of your partner’s security.

He or she needs to know — and feel — that they matter most. Yes, extended family and your parents were your first emotional bonds. And, they were the foundation of your ability to form adult-relationship bonds.

Often what we find is that boundaries for couples become a source of hurt and conflict when the partner does not feel he or she is a priority. Consider the information above. It might be time to rewrite a chapter in your own love story of cherishing your partner while balancing the emotional ties to your own extended family.

More Help

Learn more about after-holiday resentments for couples. Read more about How to Communicate Effectively with your Partner. Learn more about Taming Holiday Stress

 

Dealing with Anxiety After an Affair: When Will it Get Better?

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Anxiety After an Affair: Very Common and Very ChallengingAnxiety after an affair

Anxiety after an affair is a major obstacle for couples to work though, and, while common, can be a substantial challenge in the healing process.

What we’ve found in working with couples is that:

  • The amount of time for the anxiety to lessen varies greatly with the individual who was hurt by the cheating
  • The partner who went outside of the relationship may become frustrated because he or she is working hard to alleviate the partner’s fears, but can feel helpless as the anxiety continues
  • The healing process is most effective when both partners understand the challenge and are able to work as a team to address the anxiety.

In this post, we’ll aim to deepen your understanding of why anxiety after an affair is so challenging. We’ll then explore some ways in which partners can collaborate to ease the nervousness that has become so prevalent.

Not Unusual at All

Infidelity is a traumatic event in a relationship. Our biggest fear in relationships is losing our partner. This fear is the root cause of the anxiety and can result in varying types of actions as the hurt partner strives to be certain the connection is secure.

These typically stem from an intense need to know the partner is now faithful, and may include:

  • Strong desires to verify partner’s activities; “Why were you late?”, “You didn’t answer your phone or return my text for so long!”
  • A need to check the partner’s phone and email for any signs of improper outside contact
  • Behaviors seen by the partner as controlling: “Who are you going to lunch with at work?”, “When will you be home?”

Healing is hampered, often, because these fear-driven behaviors by the hurt partner are not understood by the offending partner. The behaviors feel demanding, overly controlling and totally distrustful. The offending partner may feel, “Will you ever trust me again?”

Stay with us here; we’ll help you understand the fear and what lies beneath.

At the same time, when cheating is discovered, the hurt partner experiences a range of emotions that can include:

  • Shame that he or she is inadequate to meet partner’s needs
  • Intense waves of feelings from sadness to anger to withdrawal
  • Insecurity about the relationship, often for the first time in the couple’s history together

Anxiety of the hurt partner can thus feel as if this worry and fear is taking over the relationship. And, at times, these fears actually do become a dominant force between the couple.

Anxiety After an Affair: A Deeper Understanding

When any difficult or traumatic event occurs, our brain is wired to now be on the alert. We are  suddenly more likely to be fearful about any sign of disconnection in the relationship. A person may now react quickly and automatically to any possible trigger related to the trauma.

At times, the hurt partner herself or himself can’t figure out why the anxiety persists and continues to cause such highly escalated emotions. The hurt partner may be trying to recover from the affair, yet still has strong urges to search for any signs of “danger” to the relationship.

“Her emotions go from zero to 60 in a matter of seconds,” a partner might remark. “I try to reassure her, but my attempts never seem to go very far.”

“He just doesn’t understand that I can’t just ‘move on’ and let go of all this anxiety,” is a common reply.

The anxiety on the part of the hurt partner can impede recovery because arguments often result from one partner feeling controlled and constantly questioned. The hurt partner then may feel their partner is defensive and insincere — and those responses can trigger a fear that there is something being hidden.

It’s important to realize that the hurt partner’s anxiety is a natural and very human response to a hurtful event.

We’re Hard-Wired for Strong Connections

Anxiety after an affair is so common because of the strong emotional connection that occurs when couples fall in love. We are drawn to our partner both physically and emotionally and a strong, powerful bond is created.

This human bond developed in early, primitive times to keep us safe from predators. We banded together in groups to be more secure. We then became bonded as well to one special individual.

Any disruption, or threat, to that bond can become embedded in the emotional center of our brain. Hence, those intense feelings of anxiety after an affair is discovered.

Because we humans learn to love deeply, we hurt deeply, too.

Understanding Anxiety

We most often find that both partners are struggling to cope with the hurt partner’s anxiety after an affair. After all, anxiety is unpleasant and often misunderstood.

Therefore, it can be helpful to understand more about the nature of anxiety so you can collaborate together in coping, rather than becoming more upset when the anxious feelings occur.

It’s helpful to know:

  • Anxiety varies greatly with the individual. How each person experiences anxiety can have a range of intensity, from mild to very extreme.
  • Anxiety can include an increased heart rate, rapid breathing, racing thoughts, difficulty sleeping, problems with concentration, stomach discomfort, chest pain, fatigue and a general feeling of restlessness and being on edge
  • Anxiety is often accompanied by unwanted, repetitive thoughts and compulsive behaviors — such as persistent questioning, a strong need to check the partner’s phone and email and a great need for ongoing reassurance
  • For some, anxiety feels like a sudden panic.

Anxiety is the body’s natural response to stress, fear and apprehension of a possible future event. Accepting and understanding this “natural response” can be quite challenging, however.

Coping with Anxiety

There are several self-care ways to assist in coping with anxiety. These can include:

  • Eating healthy, avoiding excess sugar, caffeine and alcohol, which can trigger anxiety in some people
  • Learn breathing exercises to help your body gain a sense of safety and security (which, in turn, helps the brain learn to relax). You can find several ideas on the internet, and there are a number of phone apps to assist you in learning to breathe for relaxation as well.
  • Exercise is very helpful for many to reduce anxiety
  • Working to get enough sleep, even though this may be more difficult after the affair discovery

In some cases, counseling and/or medication may be an important component of coping with anxiety after an affair if the hurt partner’s anxiety is disruptive to daily well-being and health and if the anxiety continues with intensity.

Healing Together

Coping with the hurt partner’s anxiety can be — and this may indeed seem contradictory — an important way of healing and a key component of affair recovery. You can learn to stand together in helping the anxious partner work through periods of anxiety.

Here are some ideas:

  1. Work together to accept the anxiety as a common occurrence after infidelity. Rather than “fighting” the anxiety (which creates even more tension!), acknowledge that anxiety will occur. Or, as therapists often say, “Name it to tame it.” You can both say, “Yes, it’s that anxiety again. We know it will happen.”
  2. If you’re the hurt partner, try to discover what will help reassure you. Can you request that your partner provide what you need? Is it a calming discussion, acceptance of your pain, reassurance of commitment to the relationship?
  3. If you’re the offending partner, avoid being defensive. This is critically important, as you’ll see in our related articles. Its helpful to learn to accept your partner’s feelings as genuine and that he or she is struggling to stay calm. You may not fully understand your partner’s emotions or anxiety; however, they are real and true for him or her.

The majority of couples seek to recover from infidelity. However, not all can heal without help. Counselors trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy have a proven roadmap for helping couples heal after a hurtful event. Seeking professional help may be the best path for this difficult phase of your life together.

More Helpful Posts

Because recovery from infidelity is such an important and challenging area, we’ve devoted several articles to this subject. You can read more about affair recovery  

If you’d like to book a free consultation to discuss healing after an affair, click here. Or, you can read more about our approach to Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.

How Couples Tame Resentments After the Holidays

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After-Holiday Resentments for Couples: A Holiday Hangover Cure

After-holiday resentments for couples can take different forms and can leave couples struggling to recover their connection. Before we talk after-holiday resentments for couplesabout how couples tame resentments after the holidays, see what sounds familiar to you:

  • Tensions that occurred during holiday events still linger between you
  • Hurt feelings caused by extended family have an emotional toll
  • Too much alcohol led to escalated arguments, with hurtful things said to each other
  • Too many holiday activities and no time to relax and just be together
  • Holiday spending that went way over budget and now one or both of you is feeling stressed
  • More arguments because of any of the above!

We’ll help you understand how after-holiday resentments for couples can occur and, importantly, how to resolve any leftover hurts. Then, we’ll give you ideas to strengthen and renew your connection.

Unspoken Expectations: Often the Culprit of After-Holiday Resentments for Couples

Before the holidays, I wrote about Holiday Stress: 6 Keys for Reducing Couples Tension and Distress. Holidays often have hopes and dreams for us. We want each holiday to be special and memorable. In our own mind, we often have expectations . . . of our partner, of gifts we would like to receive, of how others will help us feel special at this time of year. Even if you try your best, the holidays can be a breeding ground for tension and resentments. 

And, therein lies the problem, unfortunately. Those expectations may be in our own mind, yet we have not shared our desires for the holidays with our partner. So, events unfold with the best of intentions by everyone, but those hopes and desires may not have come to fruition.

Holidays are important events. We plan, shop, decorate, gather family and friends together. But holidays unfortunately also can be fertile grounds for misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

The Ghosts of Holidays Just Passed

And, those hurt feelings can linger. If not addressed, the roots of resentment can take hold.

After-holiday resentments for couples typically stem from feeling disappointed in the actions or oversights of someone important to you. If that someone was your partner or spouse, it could feel as if the strong bond you share is somehow not honored or valued.

Resentment can remain beneath the surface of your awareness, but, unless resolved, remain a source of hurt and upset. Then, during a disagreement — often about an unrelated issue, the resentment is brought up by the hurt partner as anger and possibly accusation.

It’s not unusual for therapists to hear about resentments between couples that date back years, perhaps decades . . . even to the early days of the relationship.

Resentment Is Often Hidden, Yet Keeps Resurfacing

After-holiday resentments for couples are indeed tricky to understand. In fact, we may not be aware we hold a resentment. Yet — here’s the sneaky part — the feelings of hurt and disappointment may be affecting our behavior. Here’s how:

Christina felt Steve was aloof on their first Christmas together with her family — 8 years ago. Now, when they visit her family at the holidays,Christina feels she’s somehow upset with Steve. Of course, every bride envisions her first Christmas as near-perfect and even the smallest misunderstanding can feel larger in scope.

Steve felt he could not pleaseChristina with any holiday plans or gifts. Eventually, he stopped trying because he felt he would always fail.

In counseling,Christina finally and angrily talks about how she felt on that Christmas week so long ago. Steve suddenly has a deeper understanding of her. He explains, “I was so scared that day. You had planned the holiday down to each detail, and I didn’t want anything to go wrong. I wanted the day to be everything you wanted.”

Christina then remembers how shy Steve was around her family in the early years, and he begins to make more sense. “OMG! I wish I had known. I’ve been hurt and angry all these years.” Both realized they should have talked about this issue far, far sooner.

This example (names and circumstances have been changed, of course) may seem simplistic, but therapists who use Emotionally Focused Therapy are often witness to similar revelations.

Moving Toward Healing Resentments

If we’re holding a resentment toward our partner, we do have the opportunity to clear the air. Here are some helpful ideas:

  1. Be brave and take the risk to initiate the conversation with your partner. Softly tell your partner what’s bothering you. “Softly” is important here; if you’re angry, your partner or spouse may become defensive or not know how to handle your anger.
  2. Listen with compassion to your partner’s response. It’s important to try to understand his or her perspective and to hear new information about your partner’s views.
  3. Be curious. Encourage your partner to explain if you don’t understand their perspective.
  4. It’s certainly possible your partner’s explanation isn’t what you’d hoped. Perhaps he or she was insensitive to your needs at the time.
  5. Importantly, we’re informing our partner of our hurt feelings that we may not have shared. So allow him or her to absorb and reflect.
  6. Share responsibility. You’ve held in the resentment, and it may have grown. Your partner is unaware and may have unintentionally caused hurt feelings. Stand together to try to resolve the issue. Accept apologies and help each other reconnect and heal.

In some cases, couples do need the help of an EFT therapist, particularly when the negative cycle has been active for some time.

Reconnecting After the Holidays

Talking through after-holiday resentments is a great step. Then, it’s time to consider recovering your connection.

There are so many pressures on couples today that make maintaining connection a challenge: Career and work demands, active children and their scheduled activities, caring for aging parents and all the chores of maintaining a home. Holidays can add to that stress.

Successful couples make their relationship a priority. Unfortunately, there’s no one formula; each couple needs to find what works for them. Here are a few suggestions, however, to get you thinking:

  • Make a list of the best times when you’ve felt most connected. What were you doing? Where were you? How did you feel? So, consider putting into place these same activities on a regular basis.
  • What do you love doing together? A sport? Hiking? Cuddling on the couch with a good movie? These are items to consider putting into your “staying connected plan.”
  • Make time for intimacy (challenging with young children at home). The emotional bond is strengthened and maintained through intimacy.
  • Select a time each day for connection: perhaps over the morning cup of coffee; talking after dinner instead of watching TV; or go to bed earlier so you have time together.
  • Set boundaries with children that Mom and Dad have set aside special time for each other and to please save interruptions for a little later.

If the holidays contributed to disconnection, it’s helpful to realize this is a common occurrence for couples — and that, with a focus on reconnection, many couples can get back on track.

For more ideas on how to communicate with your spouse, read our post on Communication in Relationships.

If you’d like to learn more about Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy that we offer here in Denver and Longmont, check out the article about this effective approach to couples therapy.

Holiday Stress: 6 Keys for Reducing Couples Tension and Distress

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While we love many parts of the season, many people find the holidays can have challenges. Holiday stress for couples can leave both partners feelingholiday stress overwhelmed, tired and irritable. Arguments often surface during the holiday season, as tensions rise in navigating all the demands that tend to emerge.

Here we’re offering six key ideas to reduce holiday stress for couples, to head off or avoid some of the potential stress-producing conflicts and challenges.

Key #1: Plan and Talk First

Problems often arise and produce holiday stress for couples when there’s been a lack of planning and discussion. Often, holiday habits have accumulated over the years without much thought to whether they are both healthy and truly enjoyable.

Failure to plan can look (and feel) like:

  • “We always spend too much time at your parents’ house, and much less with my parents.”
  • “I’m anxious about the credit card bills we’ll be seeing in January.”
  • “We’re so busy during the holidays. I almost feel like I’m looking forward to going back to work because I need the peace and quiet.”
  • “I think we accept way too many party invitations. We eat and drink more than we should, and then neither of us feels very good.”
  • “Every holiday season seems like the last, but not very memorable. I think we’ve lost the meaning of the holidays.”
  • “We seem to get into more arguments during the holidays. I’m not sure why we do, but the disagreements are so exhausting and painful.”

The remedy? Set aside plenty of time before the holidays to discuss what each of you would really like. Even use a calendar to mark out all the possibilities. The visual can help you decide whether it seems you will be busier than you want and whether you’ve included time to rest and relax. Planning can reduce holiday stress for couples by discussing and collaborating on the best ways to spend the time and any vacation days off work.

Key #2: Set Boundaries Together

Grandparents usually want as much time as possible with the grandkids, and there’s often pressure to maintain family traditions of spending the holidays together. Couples often are stuck in how to decide where to visit and for how long.

Stepping back and planning ahead can be helpful. If you both can reach some agreements, then you can stand together as a united team in letting your parents know any differences in this year’s plans.

Boundaries apply to kids as well. As a couple, you can discuss and agree on kids’ activities during the holidays. They’re typically off from school for an extended time, and parents today often feel pressured to keep their kids busy. Extra activities can be draining on family time and finances, so it’s helpful to agree on what works best. Then, spend time talking with your children about what’s available this year. You and your spouse or partner can help each other stay firm when the kids ask for more, which will definitely help that holiday stress level.

Key #3: Discuss and Agree on Holiday Spending

So many pressures abound to spend more than planned before and during the holidays. “Black Friday” used to be a day; now it’s more like a month. The sales are enticing, certainly, and retailers both in-store and online are doing their best to lure you toward all types of purchases.

Budgeting and setting limits is not always an easy topic for couples, yet money often a source of conflict after spending takes place. One path of reducing holiday stress for couples is to agree on holiday expenses beforehand.

Since the Great Recession of 2008, we’ve noticed a shift toward “experiences” rather than “things.” People are focusing more on activities spent together as a couple or as a family than in the past. And, experiences may linger in our memories longer than gifts.

Here’s a quick test: Think about last year’s holiday season. What do you remember most? If your best memories are of times spent with people, of a trip you took or a fun game played indoors or out, then experiences seem to be more meaningful. Sometimes we can’t even remember the gifts we gave or received.

Experiences don’t have to be lavish or expensive. Planning a hike and a picnic . . . a bike ride to a new location . . . making holiday decorations . . . volunteering as a family in your community. . . a one-day road trip to a new location or an old favorite. Creating memories together is part of the “glue” that holds couples and families together.

Key #4: Clarify Expectations & Speak Up About What’s Most Important

It’s so easy to get caught up in our hopes and beliefs about what we would like the holidays to be. And, also perhaps easy to be disappointed when what we hoped for did not materialize.

As part of holiday stress reduction, you can try this process, adapted from Appreciative Inquiry, which is a planning tool used in organizations. Set aside some time for just the two of you. “Interview” each other on the four questions below. Take notes on what your partner says so you can remember the highlights. As you do the interviews, be curious and ask your partner to tell you more so you can truly understand what was meaningful for them.

Here are the four questions:

  1. Talk about some peak experiences from past holidays, either since you have been together or in years prior. What was special or unique that made these times memorable? How did these experiences make you feel? Provide rich details about who was present, where you were, what was happening and the feelings you experienced at the time.
  2. What do you value most about your relationship and/or your immediate family?
  3. What is special and unique about your relationship as a couple? If someone were looking down from a helicopter and watching you two together, what would they see that is positive and joyous?
  4. What are three (or more) wishes you have for your relationship or family for the holidays?

You can use what came up during this process to plan this season’s holidays, as well as other holidays and vacations.

Key#5: Define & Divide Chores & Tasks

Retailers love to remind us of the number of days that remain before the holidays. We, on the other hand, are feeling overwhelmed and can feel our holiday stress levels rising with each pronouncement of how few days are left for all that has to be done.

Working out a “division of labor” beforehand can help reduce some of this stress. Making a list (and checking it twice!) early in the planning process can avoid tension and arguments later. By listing all that has to be done and selecting who will do what can diffuse some of the feelings of overwhelm. You may want to include older children in the tasks list as well.

This conversation is also a time to make some decisions about how you want to celebrate this year. Are there ways to eliminate some activities or tasks in exchange for fewer obligations — and perhaps more meaningful experiences? Do we really need six side dishes for the main holiday dinner? Which decorations really are important to us? You get the idea: Pick what’s most important and meaningful while being mindful of all the work that’s involved.

This, again, is a time when it’s important for both partners to be open and honest about their needs. The desire to please others really comes to the forefront at the holidays, and a frank discussion between you may lead to some fruitful insights about what is truly important and necessary this season.

Key #6: Define Some “Couple Time” for Just the Two of You

It’s not uncommon when the holidays are finally over for couples to feel something important was missing. So much went into pleasing kids, parents and extended family that the couple can feel less connected, as well as somewhat exhausted.

If one or both of you are taking vacation time from work over the holidays, you know these days are often a limited quantity. Travel time, shopping and preparing were carefully planned. But what about just you two?

As part of your process for avoiding holiday stress for couples, consider planning some time just for you and your partner or spouse. Perhaps some date nights. Or, if grandparents are willing to care for your children, a night or two away just by yourselves. And, yes, some time for intimacy is important, too.

Reducing Holiday Stress for Couples: A Total Game Plan

All told, the above suggestions are designed to get you and your partner talking and planning. To create the best-possible holiday season, it’s important to speak up about what you want — and what you’d like to avoid.

Together, you can work toward consensus — the concept of agreement in which you have talked through the issues and can say that, while a particular plan may not be perfect, each of you can agree sufficiently about what seems to be the best-possible solutions.

Keep in mind that it’s helpful to avoid saying “Yes” when you really mean, “No, I’d really rather not.” Agreeing in order to please others or to avoid conflict can be the root of a later resentment.

Happy Holidays from all of us at Peaceful Life Counseling!

If you’d like to talk about how to approach holiday stress we’re here to help. You can schedule a complimentary half hour couples counseling consultation, or a full session here. For some tips on how to practice healthy communication, check out this post on using G.I.V.E to practice healthy communication with your partner.

 

Loving an Addict: Supporting Recovery, Rebuilding Connection

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Loving an addict often sounds like this:Loving an addict

“If you truly loved me, you’d quit!”

“If you don’t stop, I’m done.”

“When you use — after promising me you wouldn’t — and I find out, it’s like you’ve cheated on me.”

 

Looking deeper, loving an addict feels like:

“I’m alone in this relationship. I don’t know whether you will be there for me.”

“I want to support your recovery, but I’m not sure how.”

“It’s hard to trust you because, when you relapse, you’ve hidden it from me.”

“The addiction comes between us. I want to feel close to you again.”

What we know from working with couples and from the research is that when one or both partners struggles with addiction or substance abuse, a “wall” is created between them that can lead to great damage to the loving bond and connection.

So, it’s not unusual for the couple to find themselves in crisis.

However, there’s also hope. First, we’ll explore how loving an addict impacts both partners in the marriage or relationship. Then, we’ll help you understand the role of treatment for substance abuse and how partners can support recovery.

Addiction Leads to a “Negative Cycle” for Couples

We define arguing and distancing between couples as a “negative cycle.” Repeated arguments lead to heightened emotions — including anger, frustration, withdrawal — but rarely to resolution. Unfortunately, couples come to see each other as the enemy — rather than this negative cycle. It’s the cycle of hurtful arguing and the growing distance between you that is your true enemy.

When we fall in love, we establish a powerful bond with our partner. We are drawn to our partner as a source of our well-being and security. When a partner is using a substance, they are not “themselves” as we have come to love them. He or she can feel distant, unpredictable perhaps and less available emotionally. That all-important bond feels less and less secure.

It’s that fraying of the bond that can contribute to the developing negative cycle.

And, the negative cycle has consequences.

For the partner with the addiction or substance abuse, the stress of the now-difficult relationship can contribute to an increase in turning to the substance for relief, for soothing the emotional turmoil. It’s often become nearly impossible to calmly discuss true concerns with his or her partner because the negative cycle has taken over.

The other partner feels an emotional distance, making it challenging to offer support. If his or her partner’s behavior changes when they are using, the non-using partner is intensely impacted. Trust begins to erode, as often the addict hides his or her usage from the partner because of the likely onslaught of the negative cycle.

Feeling hopeless and useless to help the partner, the non-using partner feels lost on how to offer help.

The negative cycle erodes the ability of the couple to address the issue. Yet, hope lies in the couple being able to unite over this enemy that is slowly destroying their relationship or marriage.

Understanding Addiction: Some Basic Science

Addiction (and alcohol abuse) have been defined as a “state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming.” The addicting substance (illegal or prescription drugs, alcohol, food) or compulsive activity (video games, technology) find a pathway to the reward system in our brain. The reward can be pleasure and a relief from stress. (Side note on Sex and Porn Addiction: A Peaceful Life Counseling subscribes to the viewpoint held by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists that does not support classifying sexually compulsive behavior as an addiction. Read their position on Sex Addiction here.)

What may begin as a voluntary habit, such as social drinking, can evolve into compulsive seeking and use. And, then abuse. Our brain keeps asking for more — and has its own type of rebellion in the form of cravings and obsessive thoughts — when we try to discontinue the substance.

Unfortunately, substance abuse and addiction are accompanied by a social stigma that causes many people to hide or deny their disease and not seek treatment.

The good news is that addiction science continues to advance. There are medical doctors, known as addictionologists, who specialize in treating addictions and can prescribe helpful medications. An array of inpatient and outpatient treatment programs, as well as recovery groups — are available.

It’s important to know, however, that suddenly stopping certain drugs (including abusive use of some prescription drugs) and alcohol can be life-threatening and should be done in a detox facility or under a physician’s care.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Unites You Both Against Your Relationship’s Enemy

In Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, we identify the negative cycle as the enemy — not either of you. Couples can learn to stand together to defeat the negative cycle.

So, too, can couples learn to stand together against the enemy of addiction. Understanding that addiction is a disease of the brain helps rename the stigma and view addiction as the medical problem that it is. Treatment has both physical and behavioral approaches.

One of the strengths of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is that it is a very in-depth, yet gentle approach to helping each partner really see and understand what is happening in the other partner’s experience. Not all couples with substance abuse issues are ready for couples work, but couples work can help you to communicate with your partner who is struggling with substance use so they can better hear your longing for a healed connection in a different way. We can help you move away from battling your partner or giving in, and help both of you carve a pathway to greater understanding and forward movement. Your partner needs to be able to see the impact of their addiction on the relationship without getting stuck in feeling criticized, shamed, or controlled. EFT Therapists can help facilitate those needed conversations so that you move from battling each other to battling the addiction together.

If treatment specific to substance abuse is needed, your therapist will discuss what this means and whether your unique situation lends itself toward being able to do couples work and substance abuse work simultaneously, or whether your partner needs to make some progress on the addiction first in order for the therapy to be effective. While no blog post can accurately predict your needs, we can say that we work to help you craft a treatment approach that feels right. Working closely with a person’s individual substance abuse counselor to ensure that both treatments have the best chance of success is one example of how having a couples’ therapist during this process can be valuable. Loving and addict doesn’t have to be a hopeless situation.

 

Loving an Addict: How Can I Help?

The person loving an addict is often mystified as to how to help. Indeed, there already has probably been quite a bit of arguing between you as well as repeatedly asking the addict to get help. What’s difficult for partners and spouses is to learn what is helpful and what is not.

Partners can support the recovery process, but the actual work itself must be done, of course, by the person with the addiction or substance abuse problem.

There are several resources for partners:

  • Al-Anon is a 12-step program for family members of addicts and alcoholics, and there is also a program for teenage children. In a supportive environment, you learn how to support and not enable recovery.
  • Treatment programs often include spouses and partners in portions of the treatment process, allowing partners to gain a greater understanding of addiction and how to be supportive.
  • Couples counseling in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy helps the couple heal from the challenges that occurred during the course of the addiction.

 

 

If you’d like to speak with one of our therapists about your situation and whether couples counseling could be a first step for healing your relationship, book a complimentary in-person consultation here.