All About What We Do: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy at A Peaceful Life Counseling Services

When couples come to their first Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy session, they may bring with them a range of emotions: Fear that therapy won’t help, pain and hurt from arguing and/or great disconnection and a concern that the therapist won’t understand their unique situation. In our Denver couples therapy practice, we see this often and want to help ease a bit of the confusion about this type of couples therapy and how it can help.  What we want to share with you is the powerful and science-based elements of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. My hope is that you will gain a greater understanding of:

• What to expect when you come for help
• The different components of this most-successful approach for helping couples
• The role of the  couples therapist in facilitating couples in reconnecting, retaining trust and experiencing joy and hope again together

We know from research that couples can postpone coming to couples therapy for years (6 on average, – yikes!). We realize, as well, that coming to therapy feels intimidating for some and totally foreign for others. By having a greater understanding of this highly successful and research-supported method, our intent is to ease your concerns with insight into how Emotionally Focused Couples therapists help you rekindle closeness and develop an even greater openness and connection than before you came to counseling.

Non-Blaming, Non-Judging Are Built into this Leading Approach

First, you’ll learn therapists trained in this method do not blame either partner. Rather, we help you understand the “negative cycle” that has developed between you (as you’ll learn below). Yes, there might be actions in the relationship that you regret — that were hurtful to your partner — but often these began with  and were worsened by, the negative cycle. Second, therapists do not take sides with one partner over the other. The method doesn’t allow us to — and nor would we want this to occur! We respect the concerns of each partner, and constantly seek to understand your feelings and your perspectives. We honor each partner’s strengths and preferences. Third, we don’t judge. Rather, we help you create a greater and deeper understanding of each other so you can successfully collaborate together on decisions and choices. Fourth, and this is important, our approach in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy is one of gentle understanding and respect. We work to establish a comfortable environment for you both to be open with each other and work through important, and at times, sensitive concerns.

The ‘Gentle Power’ of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)

It’s common for couples to feel both mystified — and baffled — that their once-loving relationship or marriage has become so distant, possibly contentious and filled with hurt feelings. “We don’t know what happened to us — we argue nonstop, sometimes say hurtful things to each other when we’re angry and nothing ever gets resolved.” “Sex was something that was so enjoyable and kept us close. Now, we are rarely intimate and we’re lost how to get connected again.” “We used to argue. Now, it’s silence. We’re both walking on eggshells with each other. We’re stuck!” At the heart of the problem is the fraying of the bond you created when you fell in love. In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, we call the arguing and/or distancing a “negative cycle.” Typically, at some point, there would be an event or series of hurtful experiences with each other. Unfortunately, we’re not all that skilled in letting our partner know that we feel hurt. The unresolved concerns can build over time. We become anxious, angry, demanding or withdrawn. Couples find they may argue more, but talk less about important issues. Intimacy often declines because the emotional connection has frayed and affected the desire for physical connection. Over time, resentments build. The negative cycle has become your enemy (though it may seem that your partner is at fault, but, remember, this cycle is what is devastating your connection). During the first sessions of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy we’ll learn to understand your negative cycle. You probably have already thought about your cycle without even realizing it. You could turn the volume off on a conversation that turns into a fight between you and your partner, and know exactly how it goes. First you do this, then they do this. You always end up feeling and saying the same types of things. It seems like the place you predictably get stuck most often. We work together to understand this pattern in ways that are deeper than you have ever explored them before so that you and your partner gain a different level of understanding and experience of the patterns. Many couples are relieved very early in the process to learn that their cycle is manageable and that relief is possible.

How We Love

One of the powerful strengths of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is in focus on helping couples understand the “science of love” — attachment. Simply defined, attachment is the emotional bonding we experience with those most close and significant to us.  Our first bonds were with our parents or significant caregivers. Then, when we met our partner, he or she became the most important person to us. We are excited to see our partner and miss them intensely when we are apart. Or, at least we did at first. Sometimes, this bond is stretched and the only way we see it is that it feels like we are fighting for our relationship on the inside, and fighting each other on the outside.  In healthy relationships, our partner becomes our safe haven in the world: the person who can comfort us when we’re distressed, who gives us encouragement and support and with whom we uniquely share joy and delight. Humans, over time, became hard-wired to bond with another. When couples are not getting along, the bond is threatened and frayed. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy helps couples renew their bond and regain emotional connection that is consistent and can be repaired when needed. 

The Powerful “Emotionally Focused” Component of this Approach

So, you can see how attachment produces intense emotions with our partner. The bond is as vital to us as air and water. When we don’t feel close, we become anxious, angry, aloof or withdrawn. Even numbed out.  In EFT we help couples understand their deeper emotions which lie beneath the ones our partner sees. For example, when we are angry with our partner, we may actually feel hurt about something or afraid or anxious of being more distant. Yet, our partner only sees the anger. By learning to speak from those deeper, more authentic emotions, couples can learn to:

• Help their partner know how much they mean to us
• Calm the discussion so issues can be resolved
• Reinforce the attachment emotional bond

A New Way to Communicate

Quite often when a couple first contacts us they will say, “We just don’t know how to communicate.” Formerly, couples counseling’s focus was only on helping couples have better conversations. In EFT, we help you improve your connection (vastly!), however from a deeper, more lasting perspective. One of the most powerful components of this method are “enactments.” You’ll learn, in sessions, to turn to your partner and speak from your deeper emotions. A new level of meaning is the key to rebuilding connection and (finally!) resolving important concerns. As you practice with your therapist, you both learn to use this new approach on your own.

Healing Wounds

The negative cycle often has its roots in a hurtful event where you didn’t feel understood, supported or comforted by your partner. The wound of an infidelity also has a profound impact on connection. When the negative cycle is under better control, the therapist gently guides you toward healing any wounds, including ones that may have happened years ago. Without this healing, the issue can be brought up repeatedly — often during a negative cycle — and the hurt continued. No, we can’t undo the hurtful event; however, apology and forgiveness are powerful when sincerely offered from a place of true and deep understanding of the pain and the reasons behind it.

Staying Close Going Forward

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy has the lowest “relapse rate” of couples-therapy approaches. This means that couples who complete the process tend to keep up the gains they’ve made — resolving differences calmly, supporting each other, parenting successfully, a renewed and stronger bond and improved intimacy. Couples also learn how to make their partner a priority. They learn to set up a ritual of spending meaningful time together (and modeling a secure relationship bond to their children!).

Learn More

To learn more about how this approach can help your communication and deepen your understanding of each other, click here. To read about how anger develops and can be reduced in the negative cycle, click here.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in Denver

If you’d like to have a free consultation to discuss couples therapy in Denver, either in person or virtually, connect with me via the contact page. Check this out if you are curious about how often you should come to couples counseling To learn more about the approach to couples counseling, read Couples Counseling in Denver

Marriage counseling fears – it’s a real thing. The dilemma of the couples counseling stigma is all-too familiar to professionals who work with couples. We’ll sometimes hear:

• We feel like a failure that it’s come to this — that we need help with our marriage.
• We didn’t know where to go for help — We were embarrassed to tell anyone we were struggling.
• We put off going for years because we were worried about what it would do to our relationship.

In this post, we’ll discuss the stigma of seeking relationship counseling, marriage counseling fears that keep couples from coming for therapy and what couples can expect when they take the step to come for help.

Why Michelle Obama Shared Her Marriage Counseling Experiences

“That was jaw-dropping news,” one radio commentator said when discussing the former First Lady’s disclosure. That phrase, alone, reveals that the couples counseling stigma still exists. 

However, in interviews, Mrs. Obama has said why she revealed this personal information: “I know too many young couples who struggle and think somehow, there’s something wrong with them. I want them to know that Michelle and Barack Obama — who have a phenomenal marriage and who love each other — we work on our marriage, and we get help with our marriage when we need it.” She wanted to end marriage counseling fears so that the stigma would stop preventing people from getting real help.

She notes that marriage counseling was “a turning point for me” and that “marriage counseling was one of those ways where we learned to talk about our differences.” “I want young people to know that marriage is work. Even the best marriages require work.”

Couples Counseling Stigma: Diminishing, but Still There

The stigma of going to counseling or therapy of any kind has long existed. Unfortunately, keeping the stigma “alive” are some outdated and even false beliefs.

These marriage counseling fears have included:

• Counseling is associated with mental illness, and having any emotional problems has long been stigmatized in our culture. In fact, however, many people who seek counseling are looking to address very common concerns, including low self-esteem, grief and loss and, of course, help with a relationship. 
• Seeking counseling has been associated with “weakness.” Some people believe we should be able to independently solve our problems. Americans, in particular, may feel that independence is an important personal strength. Part of the couples counseling stigma is that couples should be able to solve problems themselves.
• Talking about problems is not a seen as a valid way of coping. Many believe that people should be able to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” rather than looking to professionals when they need help.
• Therapy isn’t really “science.” It’s just talking. However, over the past few decades study after study has validated the role of counseling — whether for individuals or couples — as a scientifically based source of help for a range of problems and a valid resource to get through tough times.
• “Our relationship has been hard for us to talk about ourselves — much less with a stranger.” It feels so vulnerable to open up about such highly personal issues. Professional relationship therapists recognize your marriage counseling fears, and we make every effort to go at your own unique pace.
• “We have put this off for so long. We’re afraid we’re hopeless.” This is a fear we often hear; however, as mentioned above and discussed below, we use the most-researched and most-successful approach to helping couples regain closeness, trust and joy. 

We Understand You May Delay in Seeking Help 

Myths and misconceptions abound that contribute to the couples counseling stigma. It is well-known that couples often delay seeking help — putting off the decision for years, sometimes decades. 

It’s unfortunate that the misunderstandings about couples or marriage counseling have been so prevalent. You’re not alone, however, if you have felt concerned or intimidated. 

Some of the misconceptions — and the actual facts — include:

1. “The counselor will take sides.” This common marriage counseling fear  is understandable because we all want to be heard and understood — particularly by a professional whose help we seek. However, in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (known as EFT), the focus is on helping both partners understand themselves and each other. 
2. “We’ll be judged by the therapist.” No one wants to be criticized or felt not accepted by their counselor. In EFT, the role of the therapist is quite different and well-defined. We help couples learn to understand why they argue or have become distant. There’s no place for judging of any type!
3. “Counseling will take years — and we need help now.” We understand this concern. The EFT model is considered a “brief” therapy model, with many couples gaining a new understanding of their challenges in the first phase of the process. Yes, counseling does require a commitment; however, it is our intention to help you quickly acquire new skills and tools to reduce distress as soon as possible. What you learn in counseling can then be used well beyond after therapy has ended.
4. “We tried marriage counseling in the past, and it didn’t work.”  But not every counselor is skilled in working with couples. According to a survey by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, while 80 percent of therapists in private practice offer couples therapy, few have taken a single class in couples therapy or have completed an internship with someone who has mastered the art. Marriage counseling fears make total sense when you’ve had a bad experience, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the story.

Here at A Peaceful Life Counseling, our therapists are skilled and trained in EFT. The path of learning this model is lengthy and arduous and includes study and supervision by a Certified EFT therapist/supervisor.

“I’m Ready, But My Partner’s Not Willing to Come”

Marriage counseling fears can weigh more heavily on one of you than the other. The greatest gift you can offer your reluctant partner is compassion and honoring his or her trepidation.

Yes, it’s possible to get some benefit if only one partner participates in couples counseling. You can learn about your own contribution to the issues and disconnection in your relationship and perhaps gain insight into your partner’s concerns as well.

However, the best chance of reaching your goals occurs when you both make the journey together.

Also, recognize you may have different marriage counseling fears: It’s easy to dismiss or minimize the importance of your partner’s concerns when you don’t share the same perspective. Accepting their fears as valid for them can be a first step in fully listening to each other and realizing that seeking relationship counseling is a big step for both of you.

Read more about how to address your partner’s reluctance to try couples counseling here. We can also work with you if you absolutely can’t get your partner to try it out.

Perhaps the Biggest of the Marriage Counseling Fears

One of the key focuses — and what distinguishes the EFT model — is on the patterns of interaction between the couple. This often diminishes the biggest fear: “I’ll be blamed and found at fault for our relationship problems.”

We refer to the arguing and disconnection couples are experiencing as a “negative cycle” that has emerged between you. Couples learn that this negative cycle — not each other! — is the source of their misunderstandings and repeated, unresolved arguments.

The negative cycle can have different forms:

• One partner keeps pressing the other to talk and for answers during an argument. The other partner withdraws, leaves the room or goes silent.
• Both partners argue and pursue the other to talk things through, often causing an escalation or continuation of the argument.
• Both partners withdraw, feeling reluctant to engage in a discussion, often fearing he or she will make matters worse if they try to work on the issue.
• One of the “symptoms” of the negative cycle is the feeling that one or both of you are frequently “walking on eggshells” and afraid to try to reconnect.

In our sessions together, couples learn to recognize their own cycle. Then, importantly, they learn to stop the cycle more quickly. Without blame, they then learn to talk through their differences calmly and repair any misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

The Fear of Being Vulnerable

Being open about personal feelings can be more challenging for some than others. And, to do so with someone you don’t know can seem overwhelming. 

For some, feelings were not openly discussed in their families. Or, expression of feelings and emotions was discouraged. Children may have been chastised, even, when they spoke up about problems or concerns they were experiencing. Parents may have had the best of intentions to help their children be able to weather life’s challenges; however, these early memories can surface when thinking about going to counseling.

Professional relationship counselors are well aware that you may feel fearful about opening up and about revealing your true feelings. We ease into this process gently and respect the brave work you are willing to try.

When You’re Ready to Seek Help for Your Relationship

We recognize that “making the call” might be difficult for you. We make every effort to respond quickly to you and to help you feel as comfortable as possible when you visit with us. Let us know any concerns you may have, as we are always open to your thoughts.

Marriage and couples counseling has evolved greatly in recent years. We have chosen to offer EFT because it is the most research-supported and scientifically based approach. We want to give our couples the greatest opportunity to rekindle their relationship.

We encourage you to read more about Emotionally Focused Therapy with A Peaceful Life!

If you would like to have a complimentary half hour consultation with one of our couples counselors in the Denver Lakewood area, click here.

Attachment styles have moved into more discussions and writing about relationships over the past few years. And for good reason: Understanding your own and your partner’s style can forge a new bridge to a deeper awareness of your differences. Most importantly, this new awareness opens the door to greater compassion — and then closeness.

There’s science here, too, that supports the growing use of attachment styles in helping couples better navigate the challenging times in their relationships.

In this post, we’ll address the basics of the science of attachment, how couples can struggle with different attachment styles and how couples can increase the depth of their connection by heightening their awareness of how attachment impacts their relationship.

Attachment Styles in Action: Familiar Scenarios

Diane is enjoying a girls’ night out at a local club. Dave is home playing board games with their kids. Both are relaxed, having fun. Dave is not worried about Diane, not anxious about when she’ll be home.

At a party, John is talking with a woman who is the date of a colleague. His wife Jane notices, and she’s becoming more angry and wishes he would come be with her. And, why is he spending time with this other woman?

Ann wants Andy to open up about issues at his job; Andy, though, prefers to leave problems at the office and deal with them as needed. Ann feels closer when they talk; Andy can be uncomfortable discussing emotions.

Each example demonstrates a different style of attachment. Without understanding attachment styles, couples can struggle to connect and feel close, fall into arguments frequently and even have different parenting beliefs they struggle to understand.

So, what exactly is attachment? And what are its origins for us as individuals?

Attachment: The Science, Briefly

We learn to love and be loved in our earliest years. As infants and young children, we are entirely dependent on our parents to feed us, keep us safe and to help us feel secure.

Our young brains are learning whether or not we can count on our caregivers to be there when we need them, to offer comfort and to help us experience joy that comes from connection with those important to us.  Children look to their caregivers for applause and encouragement when we take our first steps, to encourage us when we go out into the world on those early days of school and when we need reassurance to try something new.

Our early experiences are unique — and they begin to influence our brain development and how we will connect and bond with others as we grow. And, these early experiences of relying on others can set the stage for how successful we are in our adult romantic relationships.

Keep in mind, however, we are not intending to blame parents for misguidance. Parents themselves are influenced by their own family of origin, their culture, the era and times and stress they may be encountering.

As we mature, adult attachment is the bond formed when we fall in love. Attachment includes:

• Seeking and maintaining emotional and physical connection with our beloved.
• Reaching for this one special person for comfort during times of stress, offering us a safe haven from the challenges of daily life.
• We miss our beloved when we are apart, and separation can bring forth intense emotions.
• We depend on our loved one to support us emotionally, and it is this closeness that gives us confidence and courage to venture out into the world as individuals.

Benefitting from this New Understanding

Understanding our own ways of attachment and how we connect with others is important learning. And, we can, as adults, make changes to become more secure in our attachment styles.

The science of attachment was at first resisted — as often occurs with any new discovery. However, over the years, science has been better able to understand the roots of attachment. Today, we can actually see on brain images the impact of attachment when people receive comfort from their partner.

The source of our attachment styles can reach beyond childhood. We also find that experiences in previous romantic relationships can influence attachment feelings in the current one. If you had troubled, perhaps abusive, adult relationships, your attachment style now may reflect those traumas. Or, when a previous partner had an affair, you may be particularly anxious or cautious in subsequent relationships.

Understanding the Three Main Attachment Styles

Let’s take another look at our three couples mentioned above.

Diane and Dave have secure attachment styles, which include:

• They are comfortable depending on each other
• They assume their partner’s intentions are positive
• They support each other’s growth and development
• They don’t worry about abandonment and can easily trust each other

John and Jane may not share the same attachment style. Jane is anxious and she may tend to:

• Need to be reassured that she is loved
• Not feel John is as close to her as she needs
• Be sensitive to any signs of rejection and need to know exactly where she stands in the relationship
• Persistently call and text and worry if John doesn’t reply promptly when she feels the relationship is in any way insecure.

John, on the other hand, struggles to understand Jane’s worrying. His attachment style is secure, and her persistence can lead to arguments when he becomes frustrated with her needs for reassurance.

Ann and Andy also have different attachment styles. She is anxious when he is quiet and seemingly withdrawn. Andy’s behavior tends to align with the avoidant attachment style and can include:

• A reluctance to get too close to others
• A desire to be independent and minimize the need for others for assistance
• Pulling away when things are going well and not be responsive when his partner wants connection
• Not making his personal needs known

One of the foundations of Emotionally Focused Therapy is helping each partner understand his or her own attachment style and to be aware of and sensitive to the style of their partner.

It’s also not unusual for a person to have a “mixed” attachment style. These folks can struggle with:

• Fear of losing their partner but also have difficulty with closeness and intimacy
• Suppress his or her own needs, which appears as passive or uncaring by the partner
• Typically includes some attributes of the anxious and avoidant attachment styles

“Aha! Moments” Bring New Understanding

When John and Jane learned in couples counseling about each of their differing attachment styles, their eyes opened to greater insight.

John began to understand and gain new respect for Jane’s jealousy and her fears. Her first boyfriend way back in high school had cheated on her with her best friend. So, alarm bells go off for her when she sees her new husband talking with a woman at a party.

John learned to comfort and reassure Jane, and she learned she no longer has to feel haunted by her past hurts. She also learned in therapy to voice her fears and to let John know when she wanted him to be close.

Indeed, couples can learn and grow by understanding their own and their partner’s attachment styles. Jane, with John’s help, can become more secure in their relationship.

Not Set in Stone: Attachment Styles Can Change, Evolve

Challenging events can cause a change in attachment styles, particularly as the couple struggles to recover from an unusual occurrence in their relationship. For example, discovery of any kind of unfaithfulness by one partner commonly triggers considerable anxiety in the partner. A death of someone in the family may cause an avoidant partner to reach out to the other.

Newer research confirms that couples counseling can create shifts in attachment styles. When the anxious partner is able to express his or her fears, the other partner can begin to respond in ways that can promote security. Avoidant partners can begin to feel more comfortable opening up.

Our brains are capable of change — of growing new habits even in our later years. As we begin to gain new awareness of our attachment styles and the benefits of making even small changes, we can learn to become more secure.

The Core of Attachment

Decades of research have affirmed the role of attachment in couples’ relationships. Dr. Susan Johnson, the principal creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, notes that these many studies “confirm that our need to attach continues beyond childhood and also establish that romantic love is an attachment bond.

“At every age, human beings habitually seek and maintain physical and emotional closeness with at least one particular irreplaceable other. We especially seek out this person when we feel stressed, unsure and anxious. We are just hardwired this way.”

We can see that the need is strong for connection. Where couples can struggle is with the “how.” Gaining greater insight into each partner’s obstacles to the closeness they seek is a first step.

To learn more about Emotionally Focused therapy, read Emotionally Focused Therapy: The Most Effective Approach

What Couples Therapists Believe
About Relationships
(or at least they should)

When your relationship isn’t going as it should be, it’s easy to rack your brain with all sorts of interpretations of what is going on, predictions about the future and what will happen, what needs to happen, etc. All of this can be very confusing, leading you to question the relationship itself.

There is a fundamental belief that every couples therapist should have about your relationship.

This is a belief that we share, and it is something that we try to help you cultivate. The belief is that you have a bond. It’s there. You are not fighting because you hate or don’t care about each other, no matter how infuriating each other’s behavior could be, or how distant you feel. If there were no bond, you wouldn’t be working so hard to get through to each other that there’s something threatening this bond.

“But wait, no one is working on this!”

“All we do is fight, how can you say that?”

“I feel ignored. There is no bond.”

This is something that can go against everything your mind says to you when you are fed up, exhausted, angry, sick of it, feeling hopeless, etc. Your bond may be buried under all the things that are going wrong. Your bond may be in danger of being broken if these things don’t get fixed. But, the bottom line is this: You wouldn’t be able to get to each other if there weren’t a bond. No one would get upset about anything. No one would shut down and freeze up in the face of an argument. No one would be bothered by a lack of closeness if there has been a growing distance.

A good couples therapist knows this, and will use this to help you revive your bond. Because it very well could die if it’s not attended to.

If you are having issues in your relationship and there is any notion that you both don’t like what’s going on, then there’s a bond there. You don’t have to wonder about that. You have to believe that it’s there and fight to save it. Don’t waste your energy analyzing whether your partner really loves you, really wants to be with you. That’s like sitting in a sinking ship and debating whether it would have gotten a hole if it were a good ship, without doing anything to fix the hole.

But, my partner had an affair, what do you think about that?

Bonds can be injured, and if your partner is saying to you that they are done and want to pursue a new relationship, you may be in trouble. However, the occurrence of an affair doesn’t mean that your relationship is meaningless and can’t be fixed. We’ve helped couples take a hard look at what was going on and how their relationship became vulnerable to an affair. Couples can heal after a husband or wife has cheated.  We do believe that this is much more likely to happen in therapy, and with a therapist who has the firm belief that there is a bond there, it just needs desperate help.

What Does This Mean?

It means you aren’t going to marriage counseling to see if you have it in you to work things out. You are going so you can see why it’s so hard to try.

You aren’t going to see why you seem to hate each other. You are going so you can find other ways to let your partner know that you aren’t OK with things that threaten your bond. 

It means that there is hope, even if you question that.

It also means that you need to find a marriage counselor that actually believes this. If they aren’t sure that people sitting in front of them really have a bond, they won’t be as likely to have confidence in their own treatment. This is a problem, so seek a couples counselor with real training in couples and marriage therapy. Seriously.

If you are ready to have a complimentary consultation with one of our trained Denver marriage counselors to see if we can help you develop an unshakable belief in your relationship, please call us at (720) 443-1947, or use our contact form to get in touch.