Couples

Healthy Communication in 4 Easy Steps

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Healthy Communication in 4 Easy StepsThe Steps to Healthy Communication Can be Simple

Last week we talked about the five intentions in a healthy relationship. With the holidays coming I thought we could look at the second one – how to practice healthy communication.

Have you ever had this kind of thing happen?

Aunt Betty always does this. Every Christmas she bakes these insane amounts of super rich foods, KNOWING that I am trying to slim down. Is she doing this just to annoy me? And if I DON’T eat, she gets really offended, and then people silently blame me for ruining Christmas! One year she accused me of insinuating that SHE needed to diet because I didn’t want to eat the food! 

We have all had one of those situations where we just want to tell a loved one that we prefer that they do or not do something. This is called healthy communication, and boundary setting. Before you know it, people are screaming at each other, and you are pretty sure that you didn’t start the argument. You were only trying to say what you needed, but they totally blew it out of proportion. Arguments happen, and it would be unrealistic to say that you can always be cool as a cucumber when you are mad about something. But, how are you supposed to be assertive and get your point across if it just starts a fight? Or causes people to give you the silent treatment? And how are you supposed to do this with KIDS?!?

First Step for Healthy Communication: Soft Start-Up

How we start a conversation makes a night and day difference in how the conversation goes. Research has shown that couples (and families) who are better at being gentle and loving in starting conversations are happier and stay together longer. If you can start it well with a strong intention to remain loving, you will get better and better at ending it well!

4 Steps in Healthy Communication

First, take a deep breath and think about your intention to be loving.  And remember that you can only try your best. You can’t control whether the other person chooses to accept this or not. The important thing is that you are making your needs known in a healthy way, not stuffing them or exploding. This creates space for loving communication in return if the other person is willing/able to.

G: Get it

Start out by showing the other person that you get them – you get their feelings or why they do something. This is simple validation. Example: “Aunt Betty, I know how you enjoy making lots of great Holiday treats and it’s the main way that you practice giving. You love seeing people enjoy themselves at Christmas.”

I-Statements

Next, tell the person what you feel, think, or want by referring to your own feelings and needs as much as possible. This is not “I feel that you are a jerk.” This is not even talking about their behavior or intentions if possible. This helps to avoid them feeling like they are being attacked. Example: “I am trying to slim down, and I need to really stick to it over the Holidays. So I can’t eat many of the home made treats this year.”

V: Validate

This is just like step one, only you are going to do more of it. Try to sprinkle in some feeling words so that the person really feels like you understand, or express some sort of appreciation for them. “I see how much care you put into it, and I really appreciate all of your effort. You make us all feel so loved!” For extra credit, you can add something about how you imagine that might make someone feel, such as, “I imagine that it could hurt your feelings if I don’t eat your cookies this year.”

E: Encourage

Lastly, try to encourage more good things. This can mean noticing and appreciating someone’s efforts to understand you or listen, or catching them trying to do something new and acknowledging it. If all else fails, you can encourage them by thanking them for letting you say what you needed to. “Thank you so much for letting me say this, it means a lot.” You can always thanks someone for letting your be honest with them, or praise them for being willing to talk about something difficult.

Notice how much of that formula has to do with being positive: 75%. How much is a criticism aimed at another person? 0%. When you use an I-statement, it doesn’t guarantee that the other person isn’t going to get mad, it just makes it so that you aren’t attacking someone else and making them responsible for how you feel. It makes it clear that you aren’t doing something to spite them, you are doing it because you need to. I-Statements can be over-used, but they remain a good reminder to own your crap and not point the finger when you are trying to have healthy communication.

To keep things going well continue to G.I.V.E. during the whole conversation. Even if you feel artificial or can’t put all the steps in every time, you will get better and become more natural with it. If you have the intention to G.I.V.E. in every difficult conversation, you will be better off!

Healthy Communication with Kids

With kids, we are often setting limits, so a slightly different formula can be used for that:

V – Validate: “I know you really want to________, or don’t want to ____________, or you really feel ____________”

E – Expectation: “I need you to ____________ or stop ___________”

R – Reinforce the rule: “Because we never ___________ or it isn’t nice to ___________”

Y – Yay! Give lots of praise and encouragement.

So, this might look like:

“I know you are having a lot of fun bouncing the ball off of the wall, but I need you to take the ball outside because the rule is that we don’t do that in the house. Thank you for stopping, that’s great listening!”

This simple formula for healthy communication with kids can be used when a rule or limit needs to be set, and it can feel wordy at first. But, with practice it will roll off your tongue just as easily as “KNOCK IT OFF!” It sets up a better chance for the child to follow the direction, and it helps you to slow down and be more mindful of what you are trying to help the child understand rather than just punishing the behavior.

Both of these healthy communication formulas can be used with kids if needed. I have used both for different situations. Healthy communication is tough, and there are a lot of other ways to tackle it. Holiday stress can be tough as well, here is another post on managing the holidays with your family through healthy communication.

 

Now go out there and G.I.V.E. to your family this Holiday Season!

Happy New Year!

 

What People in Healthy Relationships Do

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What People in Healthy Relationships Do: Having the Right IntentionWhat People in Healthy Relationships Do

Healthy is not perfect. There is no “perfect” relationship, and if you think you have one you either worked hard to make it that way, or you have worked hard to look the other way. What matters in a relationship is the intention that each person brings to the table. Do you want to keep getting better at things, or do you expect the other person to keep getting better? Do you see difficulties as opportunities to learn more about others and yourself? You can work toward a “perfect for you” relationship that helps you both feel good, but don’t expect that you will have textbook-perfect relationships. That would be a great example of having expectations that leave you really disappointed, all of the time.

If we start with intention, what should those intentions be if we want a healthy relationship?

You’d be surprised at how becoming more aware of your intention can take you off of auto-pilot and naturally bring positive change. In the coming weeks I will be devoting a post to each of these topics, so don’t worry if you don’t quite get it. Just think about what comes up for you when you read each of these. To start, pick one or two to really ponder. If you get stuck, make a comment or send me a message and I will incorporate an answer into the next post!

Intend to be responsible for your own actions and happiness

We feel things when others do things. But others don’t make us do things, and they can’t be responsible for our feelings. If we feel anger when someone does something, we may need to address that, but it doesn’t mean that anyone has the power to control our emotions. Because of this, no one in the world can make us happy all of the time. Your spouse can do the same thing on two different days and it may make you happy one day and miserable the next. Let your loved ones off the hook for making you happy or miserable. Likewise, you need to get off the hook for anyone else’s misery or happiness!

Intend to communicate what is on your mind lovingly, and create a safe space for others to do so as well

Less blaming, more owning up to your own role in things, and a gentler way of approaching issues could do wonders for you. Children especially need this from us. Depending on their age, they can’t separate how you feel from how they should feel (and should be feeling about themselves). In fact, many adults can’t either! Loving communication creates a safe and inviting space for you to actually get a response you can work with. An easy way to start is to just try to begin conversations in a gentler way.

Intend to treat others how they want to be treated, not how you want to be treated

The Golden Rule stills applies, but it overlooks the fact that others might not want the same thing you do! Your husband’s idea of a good talk might be a two minute exchange that ends with a definite plan. Your idea could be a 45-minute emotional heart to heart. Are there ways that you assume that what you want is the same as what others want? What might be different between those two ideals?

Intend to change other people’s behavior only by changing your own

You can actually change other people’s behavior – you just can’t control it. Have you asked for something a million times and not gotten it? Do you have the same arguments over and over? If you change one little thing, that will send ripples of change through your relationship.  Do more of what works, and less of what doesn’t.  Your approach might not have the effect you wanted, but you can try again. And it might not solve 100% of the problem, but changing your steps will change the dance.

Intend to be trustworthy

This is pretty self-explanatory, or is it? Don’t lie, cheat, steal, blah, blah, blah. Did you know that people trust you more when what you do, say, and feel all match? They trust you when you are reliable and consistent. You might not lie to your loved ones, but if you blow up over small things and then don’t react to big things, it will make them uneasy and mistrustful. Or, if you are fuming and say you aren’t angry, there is a disconnect that makes it hard for anyone to work with you instead of against you.