By Kristy Vergo
With all of the recent high school and college graduations happening around me recently, I can’t help but ponder the effect this has on the empty nest parents of the graduate. Your marriage or partnership is a living thing, and when it goes from including children on a daily basis to not including children, it can be a big time of change for your relationship.
For some couples, there might be a sense of relief as their child graduates high school and thinks about going away to college, because now they have privacy, quiet, and fewer time demands. This may elicit feelings of freedom, as it creates space for all of the things that they would like to do.
On the flipside, there may be some worry; now that they don’t have kids to focus on and school schedules to keep, they may feel bored or empty. Many couples struggle with how to reconnect once the kids are gone. When you both miss your graduate, how can you get used to it just being the two of you again?
1) Notice and be honest about your feelings, not only with yourself, but with your loved ones. It’s OK to be sad, angry, happy, and anxious all at once. Ever heard of what you resist, persists? Different stages of family life are both joyful and sad, we need to let ourselves be human and experience this.
2) Offer an ear and a heart to your partner in their feelings. You might not be on the same page at all times. One feels relieved to have an empty nest, and the other feels sad. Make it OK for you to each have these different feelings, and create a space where you aren’t feeling these things alone.
3) Know what to expect. You may move through mourning the end of your parenting years, then recovery, and finally, renewal. Your partner and you may be having a tough time, but it doesn’t mean that you won’t rediscover each other and build a new, enriching phase of life. This is a big change, it will come with lots of ups and downs.
4) Look for ways to connect. As social creatures, humans are wired for connection. Don’t allow yourselves to retreat into separate lives that struggle to connect now that the kids are gone. Have date nights, explore new hobbies together, connect intimately. This could become a second honeymoon for you.
Couples counseling can also be a great way to come together and create a new, strong foundation for how you will move forward and have an enriching life with an empty nest. Couples counseling isn’t just for when you are having trouble communicating, but can be a great way to enter new phases of life together and feel together.
Kristy is a warm and genuine couples therapist with a passion for helping you make sense of how the big things in life can affect your relationship. If you’d like to meet Kristy and explore what working with her would be like, contact us for a free consultation today.