He can’t understand why his wife goes into a panic when he is late driving home from work. She tells him it’s because, at age 15, her father did not return from a business trip. After many hours of uncertainty, the family learned he had been killed in a car accident.
Ricki avoids sharing with her partner what happened when she was deployed and the intense reactions she continues to have following loud noises or when she’s in a crowd of people. She hides her post-traumatic stress symptoms from her husband, who has trouble understanding why she no longer wants to go to movies or sports events — activities they enjoyed regularly when they were dating.
Sometimes Maya struggles with intimacy, despite her intense love for her husband. He feels rejected when she does not return his invitations to be close. She feels horrible that she can’t always reciprocate. The sexual assault she experienced in college occasionally haunts her — and the anxiety shuts down her desire for this wonderful, loving man whom she now adores.
These are the types of struggles all too common for those who are loving a trauma survivor. In this post, we’ll help you gain new insight into trauma and how trauma survivor couples can learn to better understand each other and to join together to foster healing. If you and your partner are facing these challenges, seeking couples therapy in Denver can provide a supportive space to navigate these difficulties together.
Understanding Trauma
Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible, often-terrifying event or events. Being a victim or a witness to a traumatic event can instantly change a person’s world — leaving him or her feeling helpless and emotionally overwhelmed.
Trauma is from the Latin for “wound,” and for many people experiencing trauma is a deep wound to the soul.
Such events can include a car accident, combat (whether a soldier or a citizen in a war zone), a tragic or sudden death of a loved one, a physical or sexual attack or assault, domestic violence, or childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
It’s very important when loving a trauma survivor to understand that each person’s reaction to trauma may be very different. Our unique personal makeup and our past life experiences can impact the severity and duration of the symptoms that occur after experiencing trauma.
As we’ll discuss below, it’s vital to recognize that each person’s response to trauma needs to be respected and honored. As we learn more about the science of the brain, we may gain even greater understanding of individual responses to trauma. For example, one person may walk away from a car accident shaken and with no future impact. Another may experience intense symptoms long after the crash.
Understanding Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Post-traumatic stress disorder, known commonly as PTSD, is a condition that is triggered by a traumatic event that has been experienced or witnessed. People who experience PTSD can notice difficulties soon after the event or sometimes not until years later.
Symptoms can cause significant problems in social and work situations and in relationships. For some, there are struggles to go about normal daily tasks. For those loving a trauma survivor, it’s important to understand your partner’s unique challenges.
Again, symptoms and severity vary widely with the individual and can include:
- Intrusive memories of the event, flashbacks in which the event is relived in some form, nightmares, and severe emotional distress or physical reactions that remind the person of the event or series of events, as in the case of repeated abuse.
- Avoidance, in which the person avoids thinking or talking about the event or events and avoiding places, activities, or people that are trauma reminders.
- Negative changes in mood or thinking that can include feeling detached from family and friends, difficulty maintaining close relationships, lack of interest in activities previously enjoyed, and feeling emotionally numb.
- Changes in physical and emotional reactions, such as being easily startled, trouble sleeping and/or concentrating; irritability and anger; self-destructive behavior such as excessive drinking or substance use; and overwhelming feelings of guilt or shame.
You’re Not Alone if You’re Loving a Trauma Survivor
The incidence of people who have experienced a traumatic event tells us that trauma and its after-effects are not uncommon.
Here are some data:
- An estimated 70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced a traumatic event at least once in their lives — and up to 20% of those may develop PTSD.
- Approximately 8 percent of adults, or 1 in 13 people, will develop PTSD during their lifetimes.
- 5% of Americans — more than 13 million people — have PTSD at any given time.
- An estimated 1 out of 10 women will get PTSD at some time in their lives. Women are about twice as likely to develop PTSD.
Seeking Help
Counselors trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy have a solid approach for helping couples in which one or both has experienced trauma. It’s not uncommon for the therapist to refer the trauma survivor for specific trauma therapy during the course of the couples counseling.
This can sound overwhelming; however, it can often be the case that healing can be helped with specific therapy methods that target trauma recovery. Most of these are short-term, and the trauma survivor may find relief more quickly by engaging in both trauma and couples counseling.
If you and your partner are struggling to navigate the complexities of trauma in your relationship, couples therapy in Denver can provide a structured and compassionate space to rebuild trust, improve communication, and strengthen your connection.
You’re invited to reach out to us to schedule a phone call to discuss your needs and to gain a brief understanding of how Emotionally Focused Therapy can help in loving a trauma survivor and about trauma therapy approaches.
For information on shame, you may also want to read Shame in Relationships: Powerful Forces Can Undermine Connection, and for information on Emotionally Focused Therapy, you can read All About Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in Denver.
If you’d like to have a free consultation to discuss couples therapy in Denver, either in person or virtually, connect with me via the contact page.
Check this out if you are curious about how often you should come to couples counseling
To learn more about the approach to couples counseling, read Couples Counseling in Denver